Why Movie Remakes are like Using Lottery Winnings to Play the Lottery

What are you gonna do?  PASS ANOTHER LAW?! 

Ugh...it took me about 20 different links to finally find the video where Julianne Hough chews the scenery in that courthouse delivering that line.  Which is HORRIBLE!  Is that in the original script?  I get she's cast in this because she's super cute (co-sign) and a fantastic dancer, but that script... wow... the only thing that separates this movie from a Step Up movie is nostalgia and, I assume, an appearance of a Kenny Loggins song.  And you know me, I love my 80's and 90's but I don't think they should remake The Fresh Prince of Bel Air because I loved it 20 years ago.  They'd make some weird person like Drake play Will Smith's character, Faizon Love would be Uncle Phil, and they'd probably make Willow Smith Ashley, because heaven forbid they don't buy their kids work.  Will wouldn't appear though, but he gets EP credit because he's bankrolling the thing.  That would SUCK, but you know Hollywood would do it in a hot minute if it meant they'd get the 18-49 males.

Barack Shoe-bama?

Seriously, why do we have to rerelease everything?  I know this isn't some new, exciting argument - it's been said plenty of times before Footloose: cover songs and samples of Led Zeppelin and the Beatles, remakes of Planet of the Apes and King Kong, updated versions of Charlie's Angels and Hawaii Five-0.  Is it really necessary to regurgitate ideas?

Take Inception.  I know, hang with me, I'll admit I really enjoyed the movie.  But look beyond what some consider unnecessary cliffhanger endings or hammy suspense - it was a unique, visually stunning, creative idea for a film.  Isn't that something to support?  Creativity in art?

So confusing out of context.

Which brings us back to Footloose.  Look Footloose.  And for that matter, Love Boat, Baywatch, and most 80's action movies.  You weren't that good to begin with.  Be happy you're remembered fondly.  But for the love of God, will you stop letting Hollywood think it's a good idea to recreate you with CGI action and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as if that'll just make it a good movie?  Some ideas just get lucky the first time around - they hit at the right time, or capitalize on recent success of a hot young actor, or they fit the style of the time despite terrible acting and production (ahem... Romeo+Juliet, you are all three of these...).  So why do we let them make it again?  Because we aren't seeing good movies enough in theaters...

So seriously, if you like a good, unique, fun, original movie... see it in theaters.  Hell, see it 3 times.  It's the only way we can stop people from letting it ride on a 1,000,000,000 to 1 odds success.

You let this happen!!!

Oh, and will you assholes in Europe and Asia stop going to see this shit?  You guys made The Tourist $300 million!  That movie was fucking terrible!

Why Pop Music Stations are like a Hospital Activities Time for Alzheimer's Patients

One example of a song you've heard way too many times.

My grandmother passed of Alzheimer's complications a few years.  It's a terrifying disease, and not just because you watch someone you love become a shell of themselves - sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly - to the point where they no longer recognize you or even themselves.  But it's equally terrifying to know that can happen to you, when you're currently of clear mind and can rationalize it.  When she saw the early stages approaching, she took a calculated and rational approach, signing over life rights and estate pieces to her younger relatives, so it would be protected and she would be cared for properly.

Me?  I can't wrap my head around doing that now.  Even making a will scares me - "Hey, so whenever I might, you know, get hit by a bus... my sister gets my computer, OK?"  I know I have to do it once I have assets worth passing along.  But for now, I don't like having evidence to my eventual demise out there.

But once the disease hits hard enough, you need constant care.  Otherwise, basic functions get forgotten - eating, bathing, using the bathroom properly... all needs to be scheduled and monitored.  The one plus I suppose is that entertainment opportunities are infinite.  Did you like The Sixth Sense because it had a fun twist?  Guess what - you can watch it again and be equally surprised when it turns out Bruce Willis was DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.  You forgot Soylent Green was MADE OUT OF PEOPLE?  Nice, that shock will be fun every time!  Heck, I bet you've never heard this song...


My favorite part is when they say they'll make me "lose my mind."


Good, right? That hook is catchy... At the very least, I know that I can go back and be blown away by things like the Hatch in Lost or whether or not Michelle comes out of that coma after the horse-jumping accident on Full House.  I'm easy to please with TV and movies as is, so Alzheimer's overall would be horrible, but I know I'd probably at least find something entertaining.

However, I can't help but think pop music DJs are either (1) stricken with this horrific disease, to (2) their advertisers demographic is exclusively Alzheimer's patients.  I mean, yes, I get that Top 40 stations have to play the #1 song a lot because people want to hear it, but every hour?  Wow...

I went to the gym nearly daily over the summer, and I never made it through an hour workout without hearing two songs:
(1) Katy Perry's TGIF
(2) This song...




...Shake that!

Add in the bonus Gaga song I usually caught and it made me work out really hard to get the hell out of there ASAP.  Yes, I'll admit it publicly - that Katy Perry song is freakin' catchy, and anyone who works Kenny G into their video gets 5 nostalgia points.  And the Party Rock Anthem* is definitely listenable and gets stuck in your head.  Heck, the video is a funny idea too.  Have you seen it?







Not bad considering. But do people actually enjoy hearing the same song over and over?  I'll play a full album multiple times a week, but not daily on repeat.  There are people who listen to the radio while they work and I have no idea how they do it.  Do you FORGET you just heard this?



No, at this point, I'd be able to hit you in the face with a shovel if you didn't get what I was doing.  Not that I would of course, that's awful.  How dare you think I'd do that?!



Anyway, if you honestly enjoy hearing 8 songs on repeat daily, let me know in the comments.  I want to be sure I play to my demographic, so if there are a couple of you, I'll start posting direct links to I Can Haz Cheezburger and put in crazy pop up ads about the one diet secret the GOVERNMENT doesn't want you to know, then sit back and watch the Internet Dollarz roll in!



* Party Rock Anthem is a song by LMFAO, video below:

Why a Blog Post Can Be a Placeholder

Yeah, it's like clockwork.  Dan starts blog.  Dan writes 10-ish delightful posts.  Dan then disappears as if he's a ghost (HALLOWEEN REFERENCE!  TOPICAL!).  And then he apologizes profusely as if it'll never happen again.  But it will.  I don't want it to, but I know it'll happen at some point.  Maybe I get sick.  Or really busy at work.  Or I hit a rut of depression (stay tuned for those delightful posts, I'll talk about the battle with the disease I feel like doesn't exist but know deep down it does because I suffer it every 6-8 weeks and it sucks).  But regardless of why I stop posting, please know I want this to continue.  I really do.  I feel like writing regularly helps keep my mind fresh.  Exercises my comedy muscles, which I hope to one day flex for money.  And then use those comedy muscles to star in hit 80's action films, then become comedy muscle governor of California.  Then cheat on my wife with the maid with my comedy muscle penis.  Then ignore the comedy muscle child we make.  This plan is poorly thought out, but previously successful so... let's do it.

Anyway, I've got a lot on my plate - writing trivia, job hunting, networking, and apartment hunting.  Yep, if you're anyone other than my father, I'm renting a place in Chicago.  Why?  I love it here.  It's clean.  Everyone is friendly.  People care way more about sports than politics when you head to the bars (which isn't a time to argue about health care).  The food is awesome.  The lake is shockingly beautiful (seriously, I never expected THIS):

I want to go to there.  So I did!

And it's got a bigger, better feel than DC while being cheaper!  I can't believe it, but I've got an urboner for Chicago.  I thought I'd like it, but not this much.  All that's left is to get a source of income, an apartment, and start living it up.  I can't want to work out again.  I can't wait to eat better.  I can't wait to meet people - friends, Bro-mans, Fun-trymen...I'll lend them my ears! 

And dating seems much more tolerable here.  It's not about my money, it's about me.  Which is good, because money is lacking for sure until I land said job.  Ignore that last sentence if you're a beautiful girl ages 22-32... if you are, I'm a fajillionaire. 

But comedy, sports, music, and fun.  I know that's what Chicago will bring me.  And I'm doing anything I can to finalize my move here.  I'll be writing ASAP, but I beg you to bear with me until I can sit down and dedicate some time to some solid posts.  Because this was just rambling.  Lord I was born a rambling man.  (::guitar lick::)  See?  That's solid rambling. 

Why Running for President is like Getting a Daily Prostate Exam

Vote Chuck Johnson in 2012: An asshole you can trust!

I can't stand how the presidential campaigns now seem to pop up like Christmas every year - far too early and when people have no interest in starting to hear about it1. Just like how I hate hearing Christmas ads in late September, I have no interest in hearing about debates in 2010.  Let's scale back things to their appropriate timeframe please.

That said, I'm glad I don't have any interest in running for office.  Besides not ever wanting to take a job where I'd instantly hate 95% of my coworkers, I feel like in order to handle the scrutiny you either have to do one of two things:

(1) Be the most careful, cleanest individual on earth, watching every word that comes out of your mouth, every sin you may commit, and having 10 PR people review anything you put in print, because anything will be used against you instantly.

or

(2) Not give a fuck.  Like the honey badger.



It's very easy to pretend you can be #2 (because come on, you're not going to be #1 legitimately), but do you really not want to care?  You can fake caring of course2, but at some point you need to take the opinions of others to heart or you'll never get reeelected.  And trust me, everyone is looking for evidence that you are faking it.  Not just caring, but everything.  Being a good person.  A good family(wo)man.  A loyal American.  A hardworker.  And even if you are one of those things, I guarantee there is SOMETHING out there that says otherwise, even if it's not a good representation of you and who you are. 


Take Rick Perry's hunting camp, which he recently renamed.  Now let's be clear - he didn't name this.  Nor did he name the multitude of other racist places around the US, which The Daily Show did a phenomenal job of reviewing this week.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

We have a pretty crappy track record with naming things.  But that doesn't mean Perry couldn't have changed it at any point - as soon as he bought it3, as soon as he ran for public office4, as soon as he ran for President5.  Come on dude, you knew it would come out.  And unless you're running on the David Duke platform, you're not going to like the attention.

But that's like getting a prostate for severe prostate pain - you should know that's getting checked out.  You should want it checked even.  But running for office means getting a proverbial finger up the poop chute for everything: financial records, college group affiliations, what TV shows you liked on Facebook6, everything.  Ever date a girl who now hates you?  Lock that down now, she's going to come out and spread the dirt.  Enter a dispute with a former landlord over damages?  They'll uncover it.

Now multiply it tenfold because we're about 10 years from nearly everyone new running for major political office having not only held a web presence, but holding a web presence prior to running for office.  Anyone running in 2024 will probably have had a college Facebook or Twitter.  And that's public record.  You didn't have a PR team or Chief of Staff reviewing those drunk tweets from Vegas, so it's not staying in Vegas my friend.  Be prepared to delete EVERYTHING.  This is what I like to call the "Digital Enema7."

And even then, there are cookies and cache.  Web histories and downloaded files.  And with the number of hackers out there looking to get nudie pics off Scarlett Johannson's phone, do you think someone who hates your policies won't do the same to see you spent $246 on online poker?  Get real. 

So it looks like no fun to be a politician now, merely because everyone is up your ass looking for shit.  But imagine it when someone runs for president that had a computer at 8, a smart phone at 10, and a Facebook account at 12.  That stuff is coming back to haunt them.  And I, for one, made space for all these skeletons in my closet for a reason8.  I'd like to keep them there please. 


1 - That's right, an analogy within my analogy post.  Xhibit approves!

2 - That's how most people got into office.

3 - When a normal, respectful person would do it. 

4 - When any intelligent person would do it, regardless of if they're racist.

5 - When even the stupidest, most bigoted person would do it, because you have to be an absolute dumbass not to know this would come out eventually. 

6 - Wait, Mitt Romney "liked" Queer as Folk in 2003?! 

7 - Enema of the State?

8 - Editor's Note: by no means does this imply that I have decaying remains in my closet, nor that they're homosexual skeletons.

The Apt Analist: 10 US Regional Foods I Want to Try

Mmmm...informational diagram... (*drools*)

I recently moved into Chicago and quickly learned there were three foods I needed to try to get the full Chicago experience: a Chicago dog, an Italian beef, and deep-dish pizza.  I've had the first two.  Italian beef is delicious and something I'll definitely get again.

But a Chicago hot dog... you guys, you ever try something you think will be good, but nothing special, and get absolutely wowed?  I thought "it's a hot dog, whatever."  But it's so good... it's a game changer.  Hot dogs used to be that rare food for me - basically BBQs and the occasional ballgame.  I maybe had a hot dog 10 times a year.  Now?  This is probably something I'll eat regularly.  It's in the rotation.

So it got me thinking: what other regional US foods have I heard of that I want... nay, NEED to try?  I'm not including foods from places I've tried (so no Maine lobster, New England Clam Chowder, NY Pizza, Philly cheesesteaks, or DC Half-Smokes), and I'm not counting just good food without a regional identifier (Italian food is good in a lot of places).  But in no particular order, here are 10 items I haven't tried locally that I will seek out whenever I visit new regions of the country:

1.  Muffaletta, Po Boy, and Gumbo - New Orleans, LA

Big Daddy approves of this menu.

I have a few friends who frequent N'awlins and/or are from there.  And I always hear of one of these three food items being amazing down there.  And it doesn't stop with the muffaletta, gumbo, or a po' boy - the entire region of food sounds amazing and unique.  But these three items always come to mind.

For those unaware, a muffaletta is a massive round sandwich with olive salad and a bunch of deli meats (capicola, salami, pepperoni, etc.).  Gumbo is a rich seafood stew with a deep stock, served with rice.  Po' Boys are seafood or meat subs on French bread with a spicy Creole mustard.  All three pull off the Creole cuisine in a unique way and all sound delicious.  All three are also gigantic, so I expect to be rolled out of New Orleans like Violet from the Chocolate Factory.

You gonna finish them crawdads?

2.   Cheese, Brats - Milwaukee, WI

 Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese....

This one is easy - I visited Wisconsin once to look at UW (awesome campus) and loved the area, but didn't get to have a brat.  They looked amazing... and I must have one.  I love a good brat, so why not have it in the capital?  And naturally, cheese in some form when hitting Wisconsin is a must - specifically I'd like to try fried curds.  But the brat is king here.  

3.  Southern BBQ - Various

It was a terrible idea to make this list when I was a little hungry...

This is called "blogger hedging his bets."  I've been a part of tons of annoying debates about "Best _______."  The Wawa-Sheetz convenience store debate comes to mind right away as a Penn Stater stuck with Philly and Pittsburgh natives defending their stores that both have solid sandwiches and some other items.  Both are fine, but loyalists will defend their regional store as if they're willing to go to war.  If only they would so the most vocal would take a bullet in the name of... well, a store that's usually found in a gas station that some people stop at to solely take a dump and get cigarettes.  

Pick a side!  Oh, and then shut the fuck up about it!

 

 BBQ is a whole different animal.  Because it comes down to styles, state pride, and there are distinct taste differences.  Dry vs. wet, savory vs. tangy, cooking levels... so much to choose between.  So I'll be diplomatic and say this: I'm like Switzerland if Switzerland were a really slutty woman.  I'm totally neutral on which style is best, I just it you all inside me.  I don't care how you dress your ribs, how you cut your brisket, or what consistency your sauce is.  I'm going to give you all a turn and maybe after I've been fully educated, I'll pick a side.  But for now, I'll put on a green smock, a spiky crown and hold up a lantern - give me your dry-rubbed, your pork, your smoking carcasses burning to be feed (for my facehole). 

4.  Mexican Food - Southern California (LA, San Diego, San Jose)

Yo tengo hambre.

Yes, I am fully aware that much of the Southwest has good tex-mex or authentic Mexican food.  And I'm happy to try it anywhere.  But sorry, San Diego and LA seem to have a reputation for some of the best choices in the big three important areas: diversity, quality, and availability.  And odds are I'll hit a city in Southern Cali sooner than a town in Southern Texas.  Let me be clear though - I'm open to anyone trying to prove me wrong on any of these, so please feel free to send free delicious food to:

Apt Analogy Blog

PO Box 742

Chicago, IL 60606

(Editor's Note: do not send free food there, it's not a real address)

5.  Pizza - Chicago, IL

 Two down, one to go...

Yep, I've been in the Chicago area for a week and haven't had their deep dish yet.  It's at the behest of my "host family" who say they need to direct me on where to go and want to take me.  And I'm not saying no to my family away from family.  Now, I will say that it goes beyond deep dish: I've heard from multiple sources that they aren't just taking the thick pizza crown.  Be warned, New Yorkers - they say their thin crust and regular styles don't just rival the Big Apple, they're the best in the country all around.  The gauntlet has been dropped... a cheesy, saucy gauntlet I will gladly take to the mouth.  

6.  Steak - Upper West US (Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska, Dakotas)

The main reason I don't understand vegetarianism.

Look, I know steak is steak.  And restaurants around the world, let alone the country, have some amazing cuts of meat.  Sometimes it comes down to cooking and seasoning, other times it's creativity.  I know that you can find an amazing steak in New York or LA.  

But when I want a REAL steak, I'm going to where the cows are grazing.  I want a steak that was butchered mere hours before it was cooked.  And I want a legit cowboy to kill that cow while chainsmoking.  Real Wild West style.  

The other way to say that is, what else am I going to eat when I travel out there.  Salad?  Fuck salad.  

7.  Fish - Pacific Northwest/Alaska

Fresh to death.

Here's another "but Dan, we have amazing sushi in _________."  I know, NY and LA have great sushi. If you're still saying this at item #7, you don't get this list's intentions.

Anyway, I love me some raw salmon.  Strangely, I lose interest in salmon and tuna when it's fully cooked, but raw?  Hells to the yes.  And what better place to get it than right near where they catch it.  I'd rock raw salmon all week if I went out that way.  Hopefully I can go out to a river like a bear and just eat it in mid air. That's a thing people do, right?  Right.

8. Hot Brown - Lexington, KY

I know some of you have no idea what this is, but you're intrigued...  

So the list deviated from my original idea of "unique foods" because I couldn't honestly leave off BBQ or Mexican, and then I realized there are huge pockets of the country I know would be good for something delicious that I can't overlook (Fish, Steak, and Mexican).  But we'll round out the list with a few local dishes you may not have heard of.

I briefly dated a Lexington native who, in addition to making me love bourbon, mentioned a Hot Brown sandwich.  I've seen them pop up on random travel food shows and I'm intrigued.  It's an open-face turkey and bacon sandwich covered in Mornay sauce, which is basically a bunch of cheese.  None of those ingredients sounds bad to me.  And hence, I will get some bourbon and a Hot Brown whenever I venture into Lexington.  

9.  Garbage Plate, Buffalo Wings - Upstate NY

 So. Much. Food.

I understand upstate NY screams buffalo wings, so I gotta get some.  But the intriguing thing to me is the garbage plate.  I have some friends from the Rochester area and they've ALL brought this up at some point.  It looks like an unholy mess of food, but I know it has some combination of meat, potatoes, and a shitload of other stuff.  Supposedly it's customizable, but I'm on board regardless. 

10.  In-N-Out Burger - California and surrounding states

OH MY GOD!

I know some of you just hit #10, waiting for me to mention your region's specialty dish and the fact I just listed a fast food chain has you pissed off.  But anyone who has ever had this gets it.  I have heard from so many people that this is the most amazing burger.  Hell, it's so good it nearly beat out two local chains in a taste test after flying cross country!  That's impressive. 

And I've had Shake Shack (awesome) and Five Guys (overrated), but I need to try In-N-Out.  I have yet to meet anyone who dislikes it, and most rave.  I will stop at INO on the way from the airport when I hit the west coast, even before I get a burrito or fish taco.  Guaranteed. 


List your favorites that I missed in the comments please.  I need a menu for anywhere I head at this point. 

And remember, I left out regional foods I've had before.  Here's a quick list of things I'd recommend just to cover my bases:
- New England Clam Chowder, Clam Cakes (New England)
- Lobster/Lobster Roll (Maine)
- Philly Cheesesteak (Philly)
- Crab cakes/Fresh Crab (Maryland - I'm not a huge crab fan, but I recognize it's quality food)
- Pretty much anything (NY - pizza, chinese - especially dumplings!, food trucks, etc.)
- Chicago Dogs and Italian Beef (Chicago)
- Key Lime Pie (Key West)
- Conch Chowder and Fritters (Western Florida)
- Cuban Sandwich (Miami)
- Half Smoke (DC)
- Primanti's style sandwiches (Pittsburgh)
- Fried Chicken (GA and other southern areas, plus I hear Ohio has some good stuff)
- Chili (Texas or Cincy, it's a preference thing)
- Sausage and Peppers (New Jersey)

And I don't recommend:
- Poi (Hawaii - I can only assume based on the taste that it's a finely ground asshole whipped into a paste)

Why Celebrities Are Like a Rich Relative Who Will Only Give Their Money to One Family Member

Currently making heaven sleeker, sexier, and more technologically advanced.

Steve Jobs passed away earlier tonight, which is a sad day for technophiles and hipsters alike.  The man himself seemed like he was nice enough and death in most forms tends to be a tragic occurrence.  Except when its a video game, in which case it's just annoying.  

Fucking Hammer Bros. always take 3 tries to beat...

But sadly, the information age has made celebrity deaths or, really, anything dealing with celebrities almost unbearable.  People turn into suck-ups for no reason when a celebrity has a major life event: childbirth, weddings, funerals, etc.  Sometimes I understand it: Princess Diana was obviously a shocking event and I get why so many British people were devastated by her death.  The Royal Family is their country's prized bloodline and she was by all accounts very philathropic and sweet.  It's like they're the British Kennedys.  (Kennedies?)

What's the first thing JFK Jr. always did when he got to Martha's Vineyard? He washed up on the beach.

Some celebrities get an iconic status that deserves some attention.  Michael Jackson WOULD have been that person if we didn't spend 15 years making pedophile jokes prior to suddenly worshiping him when he died.  But World Leaders, era-defining icons (Beatles, Elvis, Aristotle), and people who changed the world for the better make sense.  I get mourning the loss of a Pope or the Dhali Lama.  These are people for whom some public outpouring makes sense.

But with Twitter and Facebook, any celebrity death suddenly seems to go through a three step race:

1.  Be the first person to state someone died and say how they touched your life.

Ex.  "RIP Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes... I always rocked out to Crazy Sexy Cool with my BFFs after skool.  Don't Go Chasin' Waterfallz!!!!"

2.  Be the first person to make a joke about the death.
Ex. "If Lisa Lopes is an organ donor, do you think it's possible someone is about to get her left eye in a transplant?  LOLZ!"

3.  Be the first person to snap back about the public outpouring by diminishing their accomplishments.  

Ex.  "Why the hell is everyone talking about Lisa Lopes dying? She was just a random bitch from a pop group that hasn't been relevant for 5 years!  WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT YET NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW 9/11 WAS CLEARLY AN INSIDE JOB?!"

Currently providing the random rap verse to songs in heaven.

But ultimately when someone dies, people try to one up each other for attention.  Integration into memes, different degrees of remembrance, creating FB groups... basically trying to show that a death meant more to you than someone else.  It's as if they want to be acknowledged for their remembrance.  "Congrats, you must have been the biggest Heath Ledger fan.  I cannot hold a candle to your Heath worship and concede all future 'RIPs' to you." 

Why can't we just accept that death is a sad event, regardless of what the person did for a living.  Why should I think Aaliyah's death was more tragic than that of a 87 year old man who put three kids through college and worked 43 years at a steel mill?  I'm sure most of you are thinking "You shouldn't" but we act like celebrity deaths are WAY more important.  Which is ridiculous.  

Based on the importance given to his death, I assume Tupac cured AIDS, put several inner city youth through college, and he solved the world's hunger crisis, all while bringing democracy to several post-Cold War disputed territories. 

I'm glad Steve Jobs' family is keeping things private and I'm glad Jobs' kept his impending death out of the media (because based on the timeline, it's clear he was aware this was coming).  His passing is sad, but no sadder than any other death.  He did a lot of good in his time and I'll remember that.  But there's no contest for best tweet or status update about his death.  Let the people who knew him mourn long term and let's move on because ZZOMG YOU GUYS SARAH PALIN ISN'T RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!  I bet it's because 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB SCARLETT JOHANSEN'S BOOBS BRETT FAVRE PENIS BRANGELINA THE SITUATION SNOOKI NEW AKON SINGLE!!!!

The Apt Analist: 10 Cities I'm Passing Close to Today In Order of My Desire to Visit Them

One feature that I'm hoping to bring into the fold on a regular basis is doing a Top 10 List.  It's something I enjoy and that someone requested, so why not?  On Thursdays I'll bust something out, even if it's quick.  The topic is totally random and the lists are not very researched.  Which is to say many times, I'm not doing any research, I'm pulling them out of my ass.

Hence, the Analist. 

That said, let's do it! 

In honor of my trip to Chicago (which is going on as we speak - I wrote this list IN THE PAST!!!!1), the first list is about travel.  Now I've never been to a lot of cities I'll be passing within an hour of, but there are some big names on the list.  Therefore, here is a rank of 10 Cities I'm Passing Close to Today In Order of My Desire to Visit Them2.


(1) New York City

The sky is red! 

Even after eliminating Chicago from the list of eligible cities, this one wasn't really fair.  NYC is iconic in every sense of the word, and a place everyone should visit.  However, it's having some really good friends living there that push it to the top for me, not to mention 4AM last calls, amazing food from every cuisine, and there's always something to do.  Sold!

(2) State College/University Park, PA

This is currently the third largest city in PA

Another unfair situation - you're asking a Penn Stater not to pick his alma mater to visit.  Football, coeds, a beautiful campus, and one of the biggest parties on the planet on Saturdays in the fall.  That italicized line is not a joke - the campus becomes the third largest city in Pennsylvania when there is a home game.  Only reason it loses out to NYC is I don't know many people there anymore, but you make friends fast. 



(3) Philadelphia, PA

If you look closely, there are batteries being thrown at the river.

I've been to Philly only a couple times and enjoyed every second of it.  An historic3 city, beautiful, great food, plus by all accounts, a blast of a college town.  Given the historic downtown and the sports enthusiasm, as much as it would pain either place to say it, Philly and Boston are VERY similar.  I haven't been there and sightseeing enough to see it all, so another shot would be great. 


(4) South Bend, IN

Hey, remember when our football team was relevant?

I hate Notre Dame, but only from a football perspective.  Can't stand how they get so much undeserved attention because they USED to be good and Rudy was about a crappy Notre Dame player that made one tackle4.  But despite that, it's supposedly beautiful and a great college town.  Plus the College Football Hall of Fame.  Seems like a must visit for a sports fan to me. 



(5) Pittsburgh, PA

Where the motto is "Steel Away to Pittsburgh."  Or at least it should be. 

I've been to Pittsburgh once.  I went with a few close friends, one of whom lived in a nearby suburb.  And I had a blast.  Granted, I spent much of it intoxicated and ended up staring at one exhibit in the Warhol Museum for over an hour5, but it was fun.  I've heard the city has rebounded a lot too so worth checking out for sure. 


(6) Scranton, PA

THE ELECTRIC CITY!

Now Scranton gets a "middle of the pack" pick because I just can't peg it: on one hand, I have a few friends there who seem to like it for the most part.  On the other hand, what is The Office isn't a real thing?  I mean, it's a documentary, but so was This is Spinal Tap and my parents finally told me that the band isn't real.  I can't handle another heartbreak, even if I'm told over a nice seafood dinner at Cooper's. 


(7) Cleveland, OH

Looks nice enough from back here...

This is as much a morbid curiosity pick as it is general interest.  Can Cleveland REALLY be that bad?  I mean, LeBron left and the job market sucks because of its dependence on factory and hard labor industry, but it's pretty bad in Pittsburgh too and they seem to be doing alright.  I'm more just curious HOW bad it is.  It could be a short visit. 


(8) Atlantic City, NJ

This HAS to be 'Shopped.

I've been to Atlantic City, or as I like to call it, The AC6, only once.  We went on a whim on the way to New York from Philly.  We spent maybe 4 hours there, I lost $60, we got McDonalds, and smelled the ocean.  I didn't see any crackheads, prostitutes, or homeless people, but you could tell they were there.  You could FEEL they were there.  It seems like Vegas if you took out all the attractions Vegas has to entertain people who don't like gambling, alcohol, or pornography.  Basically rip out the golf courses, most of the theaters, and anything remotely wholesome.  They say you should only stay in Vegas two nights - I think AC is one and done.  But still - gambling and sluts!  Which reminds me...


(9) Fort Wayne, IN

 The Las Vegas of the midwest!

 I know nothing about Fort Wayne, except that it's in Indiana and it's a really big dot on the map that I pass.  I assume it's wonderfully white bread.  According to Wikipedia, they have annual Greek and German Festivals, a Soccer Festival, and a Johnny Appleseed Festival.  I would time my visit around one of these, because at least you know there should be food.


(10) Bridgeport, CT

Editor's Note: Not to scale.

Oh, Connecticut: you're New England's New Jersey.  Your residents think they're God's gift to the country, while you're everyone else's punchline (sometimes deservedly, but usually not).  To the rest of New England, Connecticut is a three hour traffic delay that happens to have the ESPN offices and Yale.  That's it.  There are some nice parts, but the people have the country club stereotype.  And there are some bad parts... which brings us to Bridgeport.

I've spent exactly 7 hours in Bridgeport and I hope to keep it that way.  We stopped here on the way back to DC from Foxboro because the weather wasn't safe to drive in7.  We got a hotel and slept for about 5 hours.  The hotel lobby was iffy, but the surrounding area made it look like the street outside the window of an investigator's office in a mystery movie: that generic "rough part of town" where there are always neon lights and traffic noises in the distance.  It was a ghost town, yet it was loud and seedy.  Nothing looked new. 

And honestly, we were gone before daytime really.  It could just be a random downtown that shuts down at night.  But it looked about as fun as getting a rimjob from someone who just ate a bunch of habanero peppers.  So I'll stick to Gary, Indiana. 

Honorable Mentions:
Ann Arbor, MI and Columbus, OH (they both seemed a bit more than an hour off my path)
Gary, Indiana (sounds like its just a dude that hangs out in Indiana)
Toledo, OH (Go Mudhens!)
Akron, OH (Go Zips!)
Detroit, MI (off the board, I assume the city was foreclosed)
Sandusky, OH (Home of Callahan Auto Parts)
Kalamazoo, MI (sounds funny)


1 - It's like being behind a looking glass nobody was interested in! 

2 - I'm excluding Chicago because it would obviously be Number 1.  Otherwise, why would I be doing this in the first place?

3 - Gahh!  There it is again.  An historic.  I can't stop! 

4 - And he was offsides!

5 - The "Silver Clouds" with the helium-filled rations bags that float around the room, in case anyone has been to the museum and was curious. 

6 - Don't call it that...

7 - Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.  Suck it.