Vote Chuck Johnson in 2012: An asshole you can trust!
I can't stand how the presidential campaigns now seem to pop up like Christmas every year - far too early and when people have no interest in starting to hear about it1. Just like how I hate hearing Christmas ads in late September, I have no interest in hearing about debates in 2010. Let's scale back things to their appropriate timeframe please.
That said, I'm glad I don't have any interest in running for office. Besides not ever wanting to take a job where I'd instantly hate 95% of my coworkers, I feel like in order to handle the scrutiny you either have to do one of two things:
(1) Be the most careful, cleanest individual on earth, watching every word that comes out of your mouth, every sin you may commit, and having 10 PR people review anything you put in print, because anything will be used against you instantly.
or
(2) Not give a fuck. Like the honey badger.
It's very easy to pretend you can be #2 (because come on, you're not going to be #1 legitimately), but do you really not want to care? You can fake caring of course2, but at some point you need to take the opinions of others to heart or you'll never get reeelected. And trust me, everyone is looking for evidence that you are faking it. Not just caring, but everything. Being a good person. A good family(wo)man. A loyal American. A hardworker. And even if you are one of those things, I guarantee there is SOMETHING out there that says otherwise, even if it's not a good representation of you and who you are.
Take Rick Perry's hunting camp, which he recently renamed. Now let's be clear - he didn't name this. Nor did he name the multitude of other racist places around the US, which The Daily Show did a phenomenal job of reviewing this week.
We have a pretty crappy track record with naming things. But that doesn't mean Perry couldn't have changed it at any point - as soon as he bought it3, as soon as he ran for public office4, as soon as he ran for President5. Come on dude, you knew it would come out. And unless you're running on the David Duke platform, you're not going to like the attention.
But that's like getting a prostate for severe prostate pain - you should know that's getting checked out. You should want it checked even. But running for office means getting a proverbial finger up the poop chute for everything: financial records, college group affiliations, what TV shows you liked on Facebook6, everything. Ever date a girl who now hates you? Lock that down now, she's going to come out and spread the dirt. Enter a dispute with a former landlord over damages? They'll uncover it.
Now multiply it tenfold because we're about 10 years from nearly everyone new running for major political office having not only held a web presence, but holding a web presence prior to running for office. Anyone running in 2024 will probably have had a college Facebook or Twitter. And that's public record. You didn't have a PR team or Chief of Staff reviewing those drunk tweets from Vegas, so it's not staying in Vegas my friend. Be prepared to delete EVERYTHING. This is what I like to call the "Digital Enema7."
And even then, there are cookies and cache. Web histories and downloaded files. And with the number of hackers out there looking to get nudie pics off Scarlett Johannson's phone, do you think someone who hates your policies won't do the same to see you spent $246 on online poker? Get real.
So it looks like no fun to be a politician now, merely because everyone is up your ass looking for shit. But imagine it when someone runs for president that had a computer at 8, a smart phone at 10, and a Facebook account at 12. That stuff is coming back to haunt them. And I, for one, made space for all these skeletons in my closet for a reason8. I'd like to keep them there please.
1 - That's right, an analogy within my analogy post. Xhibit approves!
2 - That's how most people got into office.
3 - When a normal, respectful person would do it.
4 - When any intelligent person would do it, regardless of if they're racist.
5 - When even the stupidest, most bigoted person would do it, because you have to be an absolute dumbass not to know this would come out eventually.
6 - Wait, Mitt Romney "liked" Queer as Folk in 2003?!
7 - Enema of the State?
8 - Editor's Note: by no means does this imply that I have decaying remains in my closet, nor that they're homosexual skeletons.
Gay skeletons - classic. Also, awesome daily show piece. And Xhibit (sp?) reference
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