The Apt Analist: 10 Cities I'm Passing Close to Today In Order of My Desire to Visit Them

One feature that I'm hoping to bring into the fold on a regular basis is doing a Top 10 List.  It's something I enjoy and that someone requested, so why not?  On Thursdays I'll bust something out, even if it's quick.  The topic is totally random and the lists are not very researched.  Which is to say many times, I'm not doing any research, I'm pulling them out of my ass.

Hence, the Analist. 

That said, let's do it! 

In honor of my trip to Chicago (which is going on as we speak - I wrote this list IN THE PAST!!!!1), the first list is about travel.  Now I've never been to a lot of cities I'll be passing within an hour of, but there are some big names on the list.  Therefore, here is a rank of 10 Cities I'm Passing Close to Today In Order of My Desire to Visit Them2.


(1) New York City

The sky is red! 

Even after eliminating Chicago from the list of eligible cities, this one wasn't really fair.  NYC is iconic in every sense of the word, and a place everyone should visit.  However, it's having some really good friends living there that push it to the top for me, not to mention 4AM last calls, amazing food from every cuisine, and there's always something to do.  Sold!

(2) State College/University Park, PA

This is currently the third largest city in PA

Another unfair situation - you're asking a Penn Stater not to pick his alma mater to visit.  Football, coeds, a beautiful campus, and one of the biggest parties on the planet on Saturdays in the fall.  That italicized line is not a joke - the campus becomes the third largest city in Pennsylvania when there is a home game.  Only reason it loses out to NYC is I don't know many people there anymore, but you make friends fast. 



(3) Philadelphia, PA

If you look closely, there are batteries being thrown at the river.

I've been to Philly only a couple times and enjoyed every second of it.  An historic3 city, beautiful, great food, plus by all accounts, a blast of a college town.  Given the historic downtown and the sports enthusiasm, as much as it would pain either place to say it, Philly and Boston are VERY similar.  I haven't been there and sightseeing enough to see it all, so another shot would be great. 


(4) South Bend, IN

Hey, remember when our football team was relevant?

I hate Notre Dame, but only from a football perspective.  Can't stand how they get so much undeserved attention because they USED to be good and Rudy was about a crappy Notre Dame player that made one tackle4.  But despite that, it's supposedly beautiful and a great college town.  Plus the College Football Hall of Fame.  Seems like a must visit for a sports fan to me. 



(5) Pittsburgh, PA

Where the motto is "Steel Away to Pittsburgh."  Or at least it should be. 

I've been to Pittsburgh once.  I went with a few close friends, one of whom lived in a nearby suburb.  And I had a blast.  Granted, I spent much of it intoxicated and ended up staring at one exhibit in the Warhol Museum for over an hour5, but it was fun.  I've heard the city has rebounded a lot too so worth checking out for sure. 


(6) Scranton, PA

THE ELECTRIC CITY!

Now Scranton gets a "middle of the pack" pick because I just can't peg it: on one hand, I have a few friends there who seem to like it for the most part.  On the other hand, what is The Office isn't a real thing?  I mean, it's a documentary, but so was This is Spinal Tap and my parents finally told me that the band isn't real.  I can't handle another heartbreak, even if I'm told over a nice seafood dinner at Cooper's. 


(7) Cleveland, OH

Looks nice enough from back here...

This is as much a morbid curiosity pick as it is general interest.  Can Cleveland REALLY be that bad?  I mean, LeBron left and the job market sucks because of its dependence on factory and hard labor industry, but it's pretty bad in Pittsburgh too and they seem to be doing alright.  I'm more just curious HOW bad it is.  It could be a short visit. 


(8) Atlantic City, NJ

This HAS to be 'Shopped.

I've been to Atlantic City, or as I like to call it, The AC6, only once.  We went on a whim on the way to New York from Philly.  We spent maybe 4 hours there, I lost $60, we got McDonalds, and smelled the ocean.  I didn't see any crackheads, prostitutes, or homeless people, but you could tell they were there.  You could FEEL they were there.  It seems like Vegas if you took out all the attractions Vegas has to entertain people who don't like gambling, alcohol, or pornography.  Basically rip out the golf courses, most of the theaters, and anything remotely wholesome.  They say you should only stay in Vegas two nights - I think AC is one and done.  But still - gambling and sluts!  Which reminds me...


(9) Fort Wayne, IN

 The Las Vegas of the midwest!

 I know nothing about Fort Wayne, except that it's in Indiana and it's a really big dot on the map that I pass.  I assume it's wonderfully white bread.  According to Wikipedia, they have annual Greek and German Festivals, a Soccer Festival, and a Johnny Appleseed Festival.  I would time my visit around one of these, because at least you know there should be food.


(10) Bridgeport, CT

Editor's Note: Not to scale.

Oh, Connecticut: you're New England's New Jersey.  Your residents think they're God's gift to the country, while you're everyone else's punchline (sometimes deservedly, but usually not).  To the rest of New England, Connecticut is a three hour traffic delay that happens to have the ESPN offices and Yale.  That's it.  There are some nice parts, but the people have the country club stereotype.  And there are some bad parts... which brings us to Bridgeport.

I've spent exactly 7 hours in Bridgeport and I hope to keep it that way.  We stopped here on the way back to DC from Foxboro because the weather wasn't safe to drive in7.  We got a hotel and slept for about 5 hours.  The hotel lobby was iffy, but the surrounding area made it look like the street outside the window of an investigator's office in a mystery movie: that generic "rough part of town" where there are always neon lights and traffic noises in the distance.  It was a ghost town, yet it was loud and seedy.  Nothing looked new. 

And honestly, we were gone before daytime really.  It could just be a random downtown that shuts down at night.  But it looked about as fun as getting a rimjob from someone who just ate a bunch of habanero peppers.  So I'll stick to Gary, Indiana. 

Honorable Mentions:
Ann Arbor, MI and Columbus, OH (they both seemed a bit more than an hour off my path)
Gary, Indiana (sounds like its just a dude that hangs out in Indiana)
Toledo, OH (Go Mudhens!)
Akron, OH (Go Zips!)
Detroit, MI (off the board, I assume the city was foreclosed)
Sandusky, OH (Home of Callahan Auto Parts)
Kalamazoo, MI (sounds funny)


1 - It's like being behind a looking glass nobody was interested in! 

2 - I'm excluding Chicago because it would obviously be Number 1.  Otherwise, why would I be doing this in the first place?

3 - Gahh!  There it is again.  An historic.  I can't stop! 

4 - And he was offsides!

5 - The "Silver Clouds" with the helium-filled rations bags that float around the room, in case anyone has been to the museum and was curious. 

6 - Don't call it that...

7 - Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.  Suck it. 

Why DC is Like a Really Nice, Attractive Person with a Rampant Case of Herpes

Notice the red spots at the base on the shaft.

I leave today to head west to Chicago.  I'm hoping I love it - from the sounds of it, it's a great fit for me.  Up to now, I spent the last five years of my life in DC.  When I told friends in the city I was leaving because I didn't like it, many couldn't understand why I hate the city.  And why would I even come in the first place if it's "not for me," the phrase I overused those last six months. 

I don't regret going in the first place at all:  I met a ton of great people who I consider my friends, I got a Masters degree, I immersed myself in a great improv community, and I once saw Howard Dean at a bar1. It was an experience that helped shape who I am.  But the latter three years I was there, I wasn't really that happy - I enjoyed going to school, but once it was just work and social life, I started to see an issue emerge with DC that I didn't like.

DC kind of turns people into self-important assclowns2. 

Ryan Howard would fit right in at The Pourhouse on Thursdays. 

Now let me be clear, this doesn't mean I dislike any of my DC friends.  Some of THEIR friends, yes.  Absolutely.  But anyone I've called my friend is still my friend, despite this issue.  And it's one I was guilty of too, so don't think I was immune.  It's just a city that narrows your worldview so much that you think stuff is way more important or impressive than it is, which is counter-intuitive since people come from all over the country, so you think if anything it would broaden your worldview.  

Nope.  

I'll try not to be overly cruel, not just to keep from alienating friends, but because there's always a chance if I can't find work in a better3 city, I could end up back there, and I don't want to be totally depressed if that happens.  But I always laugh when people visit and say "Dan, we don't get it - tons of stuff to do, beautiful scenery, lots of bars and younger people... what's the problem?" because even if there isn't an outbreak and you don't notice it, it doesn't mean the city is cured.

DC has plenty of positive qualities.  Amongst them:

1.  Excellent college town.  There are a bunch of reputable universities of different sizes and campus styles - GW, American, Howard, Georgetown4, Catholic, plus the nearby George Mason and Maryland that aren't "DC Colleges" but are within the Metro area.  As such, there is a constant influx of youth in the city, as many grads stick around to work as well. 

2.  Great, growing restaurant and bar scene. 

3.  Local identity and feel while being a transient city.  The locals do take pride in the city, but you can't walk five feet without tripping over someone from another state, and if you look hard enough, you can meet someone from all 50 states in one day.

4.  Stable job marke.

5.  An historic5 and monumental city.  Smithsonian, Lincoln, Washington, White House, WWII, MLK, Jefferson, etc.  It's a must visit city for anyone with just those, and I didn't even mention the nearby Arlington Cemetery, Pentagon, Mt. Vernon, Korean War, Vietnam War... 

6.  It's big enough that there's something for everyone.  Like jazz music?  U St.  Baseball?  Nats Park is super affordable.  Biking?  The trails in VA are pristine.  Literature?  Busboys and Poets hosts readings all the time.  International culture?  You can go to basically every country's embassy in a day when they do open houses, plus the transient nature of the city means a little piece of every country can be found somewhere.  

7.  Public transportation is immaculate.  It could be improved (run with fewer delays, 24 hour service, etc.) but considering how many people use it, it's super clean and convenient. 

I could probably give you a nice round 20 if I wanted, but you get the picture.

So with all that, you'd think the place would be crawling with happy, friendly people all the time.  And if you just came in for a weekend, you'd probably be impressed and interested in living there.  That's because DC is ashamed of it's disease and hides it well. 

Many people end up in DC for politics or government jobs, which often give you a sense of importance that may be a bit inflated.  Others head there because they're getting good paying jobs as they were the "cream of the crop" and they carry that flag for themselves.  A bulk of the schools also have this false sense of superiority - Georgetown, I've already covered in the footnotes.  GW was once the most expensive school in the country, so you can imagine what that draws in.  Maryland students love to talk about how they're so glad they're away from the city, like they aren't on the cusp of it. 

Throw these characteristics or traits in a bubble city that's isolated from reality and you get such a crazy worldview - "We're the everyman and know exactly what everyone wants all over our country."  And that's batshit crazy.  You would THINK that would be the case because you can meet people from virtually any state or country, except you got the people that wanted to leave those places and come to DC.  So this "I'm right and I know what's best for you" attitude comes out and it can make even the most normal person sound like a haughty douchebag. 

"Excuse me, but you don't support a flat tax?  Here's why you're clearly uneducated..."

For a city with all the politicians, you'd think they would be open to educated, reasoned discussion, but look at how that works in Congress or in political ads and debates and you've got your answer: they aren't.  I hid my feelings on so many current events and issues because I got sick of being told why I was WRONG.  Not "That's interesting, here's a counterpoint."  But I was wrong because I wasn't a staunch liberal.  And it went the other way too - find that pocket of conservatives and if you're not on board with them, you're "Clearly blinded by Washington politics." 

Except it doesn't end with politics, it creeps into everything.  Movies, music, sports, food... if you spread your opinion around a group of 10 people, you're likely to find one willing to shoot down your opinion like a clay pigeon.  And usually without much reason, it's because THEY are right because THEY work for Senator Everyman. 

It's not a place for free thought and opinion, it's a place for people who like to fall in line with red or blue and blindly follow them to the ends of the earth.  When you find the small minority who aren't on either side, they have such a chip on their shoulder from fighting it6 that they come off equally douchey at times.  "I'm staying out of this because it's just going to devolve into a worthless debate" is still a stance - it's the stance of removing yourself.  

When people from DC say they "understand you," this is what they use.

The fact of the matter is anyone who doesn't travel all over the country doesn't get the differences in opinions.  It's all about worldview.  Are you from a coastal city in the blue and think republicans are stupid?  You probably haven't seen why republicans support lower taxes and fewer federal programs.  From the Bible belt and can't get how democrats don't have your moral compass?  Perhaps you haven't seen the diversity of faiths that differ from yours. 

But ultimately, the main issue is people are too afraid to be proven wrong.  They feel if they don't strongly and blindly support the opinion in which they came in, they look like they caved.  And people who cave don't last in politics.  Which is sad.  I would love to live in a world where our political system worked on compromise and changing opinions as our knowledge about a subject increased.  Instead, we get bickering and slander ads.  And DC reflects that in a lot of ways.

Ultimately, it's still a fine city - it's beautiful, it's pretty clean, and I've made great friends there.  But everyone, even myself, will fall victim to being within the Beltway.  They may think they avoid it, but at some point, they'll hold fast to an opinion just to do it - because they don't want to look wrong, because they don't want to cave, or just because they want to get under your skin.  They'll make a snap judgment and stick to it.  And they will think that their opinion should be a universal one and that they can make decisions for other people because "they know better."  They don't. 

Every city has it's flaws, but DC likes to cover up theirs.  Be warned, it'll flare up eventually and it's contagious.  Protect yourselves7. 

1 - He was having dinner at The Hawk and Dove.  If I was two drinks deeper and didn't have a liberal friend stare me down, I wanted to help give him his order - "You know something?  Not only are we getting the crabcakes, Katie the waitress... we're getting two sodas!  And 2 salads!  And a porterhouse!  And a baked chicken!  And a side of mashed potatoes!  And gravy!  And extra rolls!  And mixed veggies!  And then we're going to dessert, and we're going to take down a creme brulee!  BYAHHH!"

2 - Yep, I might have just turned off half my "built-in audience" by insulting them in Post #2.  I'm really good at this. 

3 - Bet you thought this footnote was going to mitigate the whole "better city" claim.  Nope, I stick by it.  And I think there are a lot of options in that category.  However, I also admit there are some that aren't COUGHJacksonvileCOUGH.

4 - Here's the first spot some DC residents would show their true colors - anyone who went to Georgetown is PISSED I listed them anywhere but first in this list.

5 - Is it really supposed to be "an historic?"  I hear that all the time and it doesn't make sense to me because the H is pronounced.  It's an honest question (see?  Since the H wasn't pronounced there, "an" makes sense).  I call bullshit on the grammar nazi who started overpronouncing ANNNNN historic like a dick. 

6 - Here's where I found myself being guilty most times.  

7 - By this, I mean wear a condom at all times. 

Why 2011 Red Sox Fans are like Hal from Shallow Hal

My favorite Jack Black character is "that character Jack Black plays in everything."

So if you don't know me personally, which means this early on your either meticulously searching for new blogs or you're here by accident, I'm a Red Sox fan.  Anytime I say I'm a Red Sox fan and I'm not in New England, I usually get a series of questions which I'll answer now:

1.  Are you from Boston?  No, but just south in Rhode Island.

2.  Did you start rooting for them in 2004?  No.  I'm not going to claim I suffered through 1986, because I was only two and I understood baseball as well as I understood Big Bird wasn't real and my parents weren't superheroes.  But I did live through the 1995 collapse against the Indians, Yankees dynasty1, the 1999 playoff push that got the Indians monkey of our backs, the 2003 Boone home run, and about 5 years of early-to-mid '90s teams that struggled to stay above .500.  

3.  Do you like the other Boston teams?  I'm also a Pats fan, but I rooted for the Whalers so I don't support the Bruins, and I found NBA Basketball to be unwatchable from 2000 to about last year so I forfeited my right to call myself a Celtics fan a long time ago.

But regardless of the few of you that inevitably grumble because I root for teams that have been recently successful and have loudmouth fans who give us a bad rep2, I've been loyal for a while so I've taken my lumps too.  And while the recent month with the Sox basically handing the Wild Card to the Tampa Bay Rays has been annoying, I can't sit here and claim there's some curse or have a "woe is me" attitude because, come on, we've been VERY fortunate to root for so many champion teams over the last decade in New England.  Don't let a Boston fan pretend this is a tragedy.  This team just isn't going to win and that's OK.  Letting a Boston fan cry about this is like dealing with Donald Trump whine because he's not going to become president - I think he's gotten enough breaks in the past. 

Thanks for the ice cream, Dad!  And also the millions of dollars you gave me, that was awesome too.

But watching the wheels come off and coming to the realization that the team isn't championship-caliber has been weird, like taking the blinders off.  It seems that our big name players have made us blind to the fact that a couple key injuries could totally knock the team off kilter, a few of the positions are weak, and we have some overrated or uncomfortable players.  Basically, we're finally seeing the team come back to earth.  While it was fun pretending we were an unstoppable force for 3 months, every team is beatable.  Maybe the Red Sox aren't Rosemary from Shallow Hall, but the difference between what the fans expected and what they're getting is monumental. 

Your starting right fielder, JD Drew!

Boston fans are, indeed, shallow.  It's not our fault, we just expect to win more than lose these days so we pretend its a tragedy to lose when it's just baseball and we're rooting for laundry.  Red Sox fans don't hate Derek Jeter the person, they hate Derek Jeter the Yankee.  If we ended up with him as our shortstop back in the 90's, JEEEEEETAHHHHH would replace NOOOMAHHHH as the rally cry that probably resulted in a couple bleacher fights in the Bronx, as well as an SNL sketch3.

This is a good team.  They still will end up winning about 90 games.  They may still make the playoffs.  But because the T&A we saw for 4 months is no longer there, we're acting like we went from Kate Upton to Rosie O'Donnell. 

 I'll insert the Rosie O'Donnell bikini pics here as soon as I find them, assuming my face doesn't melt off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  

 Unfortunately, people will look back at this season as a failure.  It's fair to do so only because of the lead they gave up, but it doesn't mean this is a bad team.  Hell, when they're healthy they have a current or former All-Star at almost every position.  They're going to be competitive for at least a few years.  They may win in 2012.  But the fans need to get back to supporting the team without only expecting a World Series every year.  This is why the fans became so obnoxious - that "chip on the shoulder" transformed to a false sense of entitlement.  This team has a ton of great qualities, but it's going to take a year for it all to work together. 

The fans should use this to come back to earth.  Take a team's good qualities with the bad.  And remember that you've been damn lucky the past 10 years to win two World Series. 

1 - A dynasty is a few championships with a consistency of success, where your dominance controlled the outcome of the league for at least 3 years.  The Patriots, Yankees, Cowboys, 49ers, Lakers, Bulls... these teams have all had dynasties in the last 20 years.  Don't pretend these didn't happen, everyone who I've heard crap on the Patriots, Cowboys, and Lakers dynasties and say they weren't "actually" dynasties.

2 - I think every team has terrible fans and great fans.  I know some very rational fans from New York, Philly, Dallas, etc. and I know some obnoxious Orioles and Pirates fans.  It's just that big market teams tend to magnify the negative qualities. 

3 - Don't worry, my defense of SNL is coming soon - it's not as much "SNL is awesome," but "You guys honestly think SNL 20 years ago was this amazing franchise?  Because it's always been hit or miss and they only replay the best sketches, so you THINK it was amazing."  I'm going to find some TERRIBLE sketches for you guys from those days...

Why Portal is the Justin Timberlake of Video Game Franchises

Wheatley is bringing sexy back.

For a really long time, I had heard about Portal and I was chomping at the bit to play it.  Unfortunately, when I'd heard of it, it was in a very difficult to find Orange Box with two games I didn't give a crap about, so I didn't want to justify the cost.  Thankfully, my friend Adam ended up sucking it up and getting both games and he let me play it when I visited one weekend.  

And holy crap, it's video game crack.  I stayed up until at least 3:30AM playing multiple times.  I beat Portal I (admittedly short) in the first weekend and I plowed through most of Portal II in another weekend visit.  I still haven't finished Portal II, full disclosure1, but it's only because I moved home and can't really justify buying and playing an in-depth video game when I have important stuff to be doing2.

For those who don't know, Portal is basically a trial-and-error game of physics manipulation that's heavy on problem and puzzle solving.  You play a test subject (read: guinea pig) who has to go through a series of tests at the behest of unseen scientists.  In Portal II, you're escaping from the facility after it's become run-down and unmaintained. 

But it's not what I expected really.  I though at first it was a very sci-fi-intense game with a fun puzzle aspect, but the sci-fi is just there as the backdrop.  Honestly, the plot could be anything:

- Donkey Kong has a banana that makes tubes that can transport things and people back and forth.

- Peyton Manning can throw a spiral that creates a wormhole that can transport things back and forth.

- Barbie's Dreamhouse has flower vacuums that she can move that can transport things back and forth3. 

The fact of the matter is you have a gun that lets you put two portals - what goes in one, comes out the other and vice versa.  It doesn't matter if you like sci-fi or robots or anything, the gameplay is pure puzzle solving.  If you've met anyone who likes any type of puzzle and dislikes Portal (off the top of my head, I can think of 1 person), it's either because they made a snap judgment about the game and never gave it a chance, or it's because their parents were killed by a Companion Cube.  

Innocent testing instrument?  Or cold-blooded killer?

And in a weird way, that's the exact mentality that goes into people hating Justin Timberlake.  It's rare to find someone who actively dislikes Timberlake - most people enthusiastically or at least begrudgingly admit the dude is talented in some way.  He's a Grammy and Emmy award winner.  He's a chart-topping musician.  He can headline a movie.  He's been the most consistently good and funny host on SNL in the last 10 years.  He's still got his dancing skills from the '90s.  He can pull off the dramatic or comedic role.  He seems, by all accounts, to be a likable dude.  It doesn't really matter what sector of entertainment you tend to gravitate toward, he's probably been there and been successful.

Thanks for the hat, Maria Bello!

But the dude transcends genre in a way Portal can - it doesn't really matter where your interests lie, it can appeal to you in some way.  Portal has suspenseful moments, it has comedic writing, it has impressive scenery, it has dramatic reveals.  At at the heart of it is problem-solving, the root of any game.  The only turn-off might be how difficult it gets, but that's the value of the game - that you can't blow through it in an hour4. Even if you don't like some aspect, it brings something else to the table to make up for it. 

And for those that dismiss no matter what, they either haven't given it a chance or they're dismissing on reputation.  And that's their prerogative.

So I'll continue to enjoy Timberlake on SNL, even though his music isn't entirely in the genre I enjoy (and I admit he's talented musically).  And I'll continue to enjoy Portal for its comedy and its puzzles, even though I'm not a sci-fi nut by any stretch (and I admit the sci-fi is engaging).  But even if you dislike either of them, accept their value, because they're both going to be around for a long time. 

1 - I think the whole thing is going to turn out to be Bob Hartley's dream.  And he is the head of the Dharma Initiative.  And the Dharma Initiative killed Bruce Willis, who has been DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!!! Sorry if I just ruined The Whole Nine Yards for anyone. 

2 - Like writing blogs about video games?  I hate myself. 

3 - Patents pending on all these ideas.  Especially the football based one, which will be called Aqib PorTalib, since cornerbacks play an integral role in the physics behind this game. 

4 - "I bet you want to blow through Justin Timberlake in an hour, don't you?"  I beat you to the gay joke, thanks for stopping by. 

Why The Current Job Market is like Trying to Get Someone Pregnant

Pick me! I got my Bachelors at Swarthmore!

So I've been job hunting for about 3 months now.  And it sucks, not just because I'm burning through my savings, but because it's a weird feeling to not have a time you have to get up.  I've had several morning where I wake up and I'm conscious at 6:30AM, but I stay in bed until 8AM doing email correspondence and following up on job posts (as well as playing Angry Birds and listening to podcasts).  And it's because my current "job" is to sit at a computer and try to get someone to give me an interview1. It doesn't matter if I'm at my desk, on a couch, or lying down - so long as I have internet and a computer-like device, I can do what I need. 

And that's a weird feeling.  I know my roommates2 must think I sleep until 9 most days, but I'm up because when you don't have a job, you also can mix in your required "entertainment" throughout the day - watching a movie, reading a book, intravenous drugs, listening to music... I can stop what I'm doing and satisfy those desires anytime.  And I know the grass is always greener and someone at a consulting job I'd love to have is thinking "Man, I wish I could watch back episodes of Wilfred at 1:30 in the afternoon, but I have a price overview for a project I need to review..." but trust me, at least you can do the fun thing after work.  At the end of the day, you have money coming in. 

But ultimately my day is job applications, which feels funny, because I'll find a position that's perfect for me.

"Wow, I'm a career-oriented problem solver.  And I have experience in analysis.  And I love sports.  And they want a Rhode Island native who said the alphabet backwards at his pre-school graduation and once broke into a weird disco-esque dance during the breakdown of "Stairway to Heaven" at a Junior High dance because he'd never heard it and thought it was a new song3?!  That's a perfect job for me!"

And you apply thinking "Wow, those other jobs I was a pretty good fit, but this job description is me to a T!  I got this!"  But then weeks pass and you don't hear anything because you forget that the market sucks and it turns out there are 396 career-oriented, problem solving sports fans that know the alphabet backwards and don't have a vast enough knowledge of rock ballads to dance to them properly.

You are one of the assholes in a Where's Waldo book who is dressed like Waldo, but almost every time, you are NOT Waldo.

"Oh!  I foun... God damnit, nevermind..."

So ultimately you can take one of two approaches:
1.  Meet a few candidates you feel you have the best chance with and woo them.  Write them sweet nothings via cover letters.  Call them frequently for a date/introductory interview.  Show up at their office to let them know you're thinking of them.  And hope that by showing them you really care more than Clint from Grand Rapids, even though he went to Cornell and has more internship experience than you, they'll pick you because you're the lovable underdog who finally can get the girl.

"Excuse me, but did…um…do you know if finished that financial breakdown for you?"

2.  Resume-fuck anything that moves and hope one of them works out.  

"I'm sorry, I know I applied to you, but I can't remember your company name..."

But ultimately you have to get lucky.  Or have one of their friends introduce you via networking.  Or, if you're really desperate, go on Craigslist and take whatever comes along.  Just like any relationship, you gotta work at it to have success.

And if you can't get anything to happen, after a while... well, you're screwed either way I guess. 

1 - Note to prospective companies: if you want to forgo the interview and give me a job, please don't let that sentence imply I enjoy interviews.  I don't.  Job please!

2 - Oh, is "roommates" not the correct word to describe my father and stepmother when I moved back home? 

3 - I'd never danced before and my dad taught me, but apparently he hadn't danced since the Carter administration and was not the right person to speak to.  Thankfully the breakdown didn't last long enough to bust out an elaborate Saturday Night Fever choreography we worked on.

Why This Blog Is (and is not) Like My Previous Blogs

Forewarning before you start checking this blog regularly: I have a terrible track record with blogging.

In the past, I've started 4-5 blogs and they all met the same fate - a slow decline into laziness or loss of interest, a quick surge when enough people in my tiny audience encouraged me to "get back into it" with kind words, and the eventual abandonment, leaving my words floating in Bermuda Triangle that is dead internet pages, left to exist forever, getting commented up by the least discriminating of spambots.

It's really hard to keep a blog going on your own.  As far as I can tell, successful blogs take (1) multiple writers, (2) a "parent company" to support the infrastructure and replace writers as they move on, and (3) enough advertising to keep it viable.  And that's why I'm always impressed when someone keeps up their work long term, even when they don't make a lot (if any) money.  I could link you to some, but if you read blogs, you probably have your favorites already.

But for once I feel like this blog can serve a purpose.  I left my previous life in the dust a few months ago.  I had spent 5 years in DC, working at jobs I didn't really like, living in a city I didn't really like, and tolerating people I didn't really like1.

I got the bright idea with a close friend to leave my job, the city, and those people in the dust and go do something big.  We decided to work our asses off and train to do 10 weeks on the Appalachian Trail.  This is a huge undertaking, but let's start in Maine too, since it's easier to get to and we don't have a ton of money.  Then, we celebrated leaving DC for two months and never trained, but still tried to do the AT, and a week later we crawled home licking our wounds2.  We admit we fucked that up, and started looking for new jobs a couple months earlier than planned.


Except I thought with my advanced degree and work experience I'd be fine.  And I wasn't.  Now I'm not only a part of the high unemployment rate, but I'm technically there voluntarily because I left a steady paycheck behind.  And you know what?


I couldn't be happier.  


Yes, I need money.  And that could mean temping, working in the service industry again, maybe even going into industries of which I want no part (e.g. finance, sales) because it means a better paycheck.  But I've been raised in a household that cherishes planning ahead the way Wilford Brimley is cherished by both people with diabetes and people who like the way he pronounces "diabeetus."3 There was never a point before I got to DC when I didn't know what the next step would be.  And so when the next step wasn't clear, I kind of freaked out and got stagnant for a while.  


Now I'm embracing it.  On Thursday, I leave for the 16 hour drive to Chicago.  All I know is where I'm living (thanks to the unbelievable generosity of a couple friends and their families).  Beyond that?  I know I want a good job that keeps me interested, I want to keep my comedy going, and I want to reignite some passion.  I'm hoping this blog is part of #2 and #3 on that list - I hope I can build it out to be where I develop some ideas for standup, sketch, or improv.  I hope I can bring in a friend or two to write on it once it's established and give you more content.  And I hope the blog can lead to bigger and better things, without becoming a stepping stone left in the dust - podcasts, sketches, promoting some stand-up (if I can sack up enough to get myself back out there after my infamous 1-and-done set about urinals4).  


I'm also going to blog/vlog/clog my voyage out to Chicago next week, both here and via Twitter.  I'm driving overnight 16 hours, so I'm sure the posts will be nothing but lucid. 


But I honestly have no idea what's going to happen.  This could be the only post I ever put up here too5. 

 So join me in embracing the unknown.  Just be forewarned that "unknown" also includes the fate of this blog.  But I'll do my best to keep it around. 



1 - I made a lot of really good friends in DC who I still love to death.  This does not apply to you.  Some of your friends, perhaps, but not you specifically.


2 - Licking our own wounds, not each others'.  Don't be disgusting.


3 - Seriously, I get that "diabeetus" and "Amadeus" sound similar, but there's at least 10 variations of the "Rock Me, Amadeus" spoof with Brimley and it's not THAT close.  I would make fun of people for wasting their time on the internet, but I guarantee at some point I will dedicate a large portion of a post to the mediocre '90s sitcom Full House, so lest I be a hypocrite, I'll leave it at that. 


4 - Oh, it was brutal.  I made a list of the Ten Commandments of Urinal Use.  And I nervously shook a piece of paper and awkwardly adjusted my stance every 3 seconds while stumbling through 6 before giving up.  Maybe it was the subject matter, which eliminated half my audience in terms of being relatable, or the fact it probably induced an instant eye-roll, or the fact I had the confidence of a prepubescent 14 year old going to take a shower after gym class, but I think only half the crowd managed to give me pity applause because the other half were having conversations to pass the time and didn't notice I left the stage.  I would share the set with you if I didn't light it on fire and drink enough to erase it from my memory that night. 


5 - Just to ensure that doesn't happen, I'm posting again right now.  Also, because this post is all exposition and no humor at all.