Why Movie Remakes are like Using Lottery Winnings to Play the Lottery

What are you gonna do?  PASS ANOTHER LAW?! 

Ugh...it took me about 20 different links to finally find the video where Julianne Hough chews the scenery in that courthouse delivering that line.  Which is HORRIBLE!  Is that in the original script?  I get she's cast in this because she's super cute (co-sign) and a fantastic dancer, but that script... wow... the only thing that separates this movie from a Step Up movie is nostalgia and, I assume, an appearance of a Kenny Loggins song.  And you know me, I love my 80's and 90's but I don't think they should remake The Fresh Prince of Bel Air because I loved it 20 years ago.  They'd make some weird person like Drake play Will Smith's character, Faizon Love would be Uncle Phil, and they'd probably make Willow Smith Ashley, because heaven forbid they don't buy their kids work.  Will wouldn't appear though, but he gets EP credit because he's bankrolling the thing.  That would SUCK, but you know Hollywood would do it in a hot minute if it meant they'd get the 18-49 males.

Barack Shoe-bama?

Seriously, why do we have to rerelease everything?  I know this isn't some new, exciting argument - it's been said plenty of times before Footloose: cover songs and samples of Led Zeppelin and the Beatles, remakes of Planet of the Apes and King Kong, updated versions of Charlie's Angels and Hawaii Five-0.  Is it really necessary to regurgitate ideas?

Take Inception.  I know, hang with me, I'll admit I really enjoyed the movie.  But look beyond what some consider unnecessary cliffhanger endings or hammy suspense - it was a unique, visually stunning, creative idea for a film.  Isn't that something to support?  Creativity in art?

So confusing out of context.

Which brings us back to Footloose.  Look Footloose.  And for that matter, Love Boat, Baywatch, and most 80's action movies.  You weren't that good to begin with.  Be happy you're remembered fondly.  But for the love of God, will you stop letting Hollywood think it's a good idea to recreate you with CGI action and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as if that'll just make it a good movie?  Some ideas just get lucky the first time around - they hit at the right time, or capitalize on recent success of a hot young actor, or they fit the style of the time despite terrible acting and production (ahem... Romeo+Juliet, you are all three of these...).  So why do we let them make it again?  Because we aren't seeing good movies enough in theaters...

So seriously, if you like a good, unique, fun, original movie... see it in theaters.  Hell, see it 3 times.  It's the only way we can stop people from letting it ride on a 1,000,000,000 to 1 odds success.

You let this happen!!!

Oh, and will you assholes in Europe and Asia stop going to see this shit?  You guys made The Tourist $300 million!  That movie was fucking terrible!

Why Pop Music Stations are like a Hospital Activities Time for Alzheimer's Patients

One example of a song you've heard way too many times.

My grandmother passed of Alzheimer's complications a few years.  It's a terrifying disease, and not just because you watch someone you love become a shell of themselves - sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly - to the point where they no longer recognize you or even themselves.  But it's equally terrifying to know that can happen to you, when you're currently of clear mind and can rationalize it.  When she saw the early stages approaching, she took a calculated and rational approach, signing over life rights and estate pieces to her younger relatives, so it would be protected and she would be cared for properly.

Me?  I can't wrap my head around doing that now.  Even making a will scares me - "Hey, so whenever I might, you know, get hit by a bus... my sister gets my computer, OK?"  I know I have to do it once I have assets worth passing along.  But for now, I don't like having evidence to my eventual demise out there.

But once the disease hits hard enough, you need constant care.  Otherwise, basic functions get forgotten - eating, bathing, using the bathroom properly... all needs to be scheduled and monitored.  The one plus I suppose is that entertainment opportunities are infinite.  Did you like The Sixth Sense because it had a fun twist?  Guess what - you can watch it again and be equally surprised when it turns out Bruce Willis was DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.  You forgot Soylent Green was MADE OUT OF PEOPLE?  Nice, that shock will be fun every time!  Heck, I bet you've never heard this song...


My favorite part is when they say they'll make me "lose my mind."


Good, right? That hook is catchy... At the very least, I know that I can go back and be blown away by things like the Hatch in Lost or whether or not Michelle comes out of that coma after the horse-jumping accident on Full House.  I'm easy to please with TV and movies as is, so Alzheimer's overall would be horrible, but I know I'd probably at least find something entertaining.

However, I can't help but think pop music DJs are either (1) stricken with this horrific disease, to (2) their advertisers demographic is exclusively Alzheimer's patients.  I mean, yes, I get that Top 40 stations have to play the #1 song a lot because people want to hear it, but every hour?  Wow...

I went to the gym nearly daily over the summer, and I never made it through an hour workout without hearing two songs:
(1) Katy Perry's TGIF
(2) This song...




...Shake that!

Add in the bonus Gaga song I usually caught and it made me work out really hard to get the hell out of there ASAP.  Yes, I'll admit it publicly - that Katy Perry song is freakin' catchy, and anyone who works Kenny G into their video gets 5 nostalgia points.  And the Party Rock Anthem* is definitely listenable and gets stuck in your head.  Heck, the video is a funny idea too.  Have you seen it?







Not bad considering. But do people actually enjoy hearing the same song over and over?  I'll play a full album multiple times a week, but not daily on repeat.  There are people who listen to the radio while they work and I have no idea how they do it.  Do you FORGET you just heard this?



No, at this point, I'd be able to hit you in the face with a shovel if you didn't get what I was doing.  Not that I would of course, that's awful.  How dare you think I'd do that?!



Anyway, if you honestly enjoy hearing 8 songs on repeat daily, let me know in the comments.  I want to be sure I play to my demographic, so if there are a couple of you, I'll start posting direct links to I Can Haz Cheezburger and put in crazy pop up ads about the one diet secret the GOVERNMENT doesn't want you to know, then sit back and watch the Internet Dollarz roll in!



* Party Rock Anthem is a song by LMFAO, video below:

Why a Blog Post Can Be a Placeholder

Yeah, it's like clockwork.  Dan starts blog.  Dan writes 10-ish delightful posts.  Dan then disappears as if he's a ghost (HALLOWEEN REFERENCE!  TOPICAL!).  And then he apologizes profusely as if it'll never happen again.  But it will.  I don't want it to, but I know it'll happen at some point.  Maybe I get sick.  Or really busy at work.  Or I hit a rut of depression (stay tuned for those delightful posts, I'll talk about the battle with the disease I feel like doesn't exist but know deep down it does because I suffer it every 6-8 weeks and it sucks).  But regardless of why I stop posting, please know I want this to continue.  I really do.  I feel like writing regularly helps keep my mind fresh.  Exercises my comedy muscles, which I hope to one day flex for money.  And then use those comedy muscles to star in hit 80's action films, then become comedy muscle governor of California.  Then cheat on my wife with the maid with my comedy muscle penis.  Then ignore the comedy muscle child we make.  This plan is poorly thought out, but previously successful so... let's do it.

Anyway, I've got a lot on my plate - writing trivia, job hunting, networking, and apartment hunting.  Yep, if you're anyone other than my father, I'm renting a place in Chicago.  Why?  I love it here.  It's clean.  Everyone is friendly.  People care way more about sports than politics when you head to the bars (which isn't a time to argue about health care).  The food is awesome.  The lake is shockingly beautiful (seriously, I never expected THIS):

I want to go to there.  So I did!

And it's got a bigger, better feel than DC while being cheaper!  I can't believe it, but I've got an urboner for Chicago.  I thought I'd like it, but not this much.  All that's left is to get a source of income, an apartment, and start living it up.  I can't want to work out again.  I can't wait to eat better.  I can't wait to meet people - friends, Bro-mans, Fun-trymen...I'll lend them my ears! 

And dating seems much more tolerable here.  It's not about my money, it's about me.  Which is good, because money is lacking for sure until I land said job.  Ignore that last sentence if you're a beautiful girl ages 22-32... if you are, I'm a fajillionaire. 

But comedy, sports, music, and fun.  I know that's what Chicago will bring me.  And I'm doing anything I can to finalize my move here.  I'll be writing ASAP, but I beg you to bear with me until I can sit down and dedicate some time to some solid posts.  Because this was just rambling.  Lord I was born a rambling man.  (::guitar lick::)  See?  That's solid rambling. 

Why Running for President is like Getting a Daily Prostate Exam

Vote Chuck Johnson in 2012: An asshole you can trust!

I can't stand how the presidential campaigns now seem to pop up like Christmas every year - far too early and when people have no interest in starting to hear about it1. Just like how I hate hearing Christmas ads in late September, I have no interest in hearing about debates in 2010.  Let's scale back things to their appropriate timeframe please.

That said, I'm glad I don't have any interest in running for office.  Besides not ever wanting to take a job where I'd instantly hate 95% of my coworkers, I feel like in order to handle the scrutiny you either have to do one of two things:

(1) Be the most careful, cleanest individual on earth, watching every word that comes out of your mouth, every sin you may commit, and having 10 PR people review anything you put in print, because anything will be used against you instantly.

or

(2) Not give a fuck.  Like the honey badger.



It's very easy to pretend you can be #2 (because come on, you're not going to be #1 legitimately), but do you really not want to care?  You can fake caring of course2, but at some point you need to take the opinions of others to heart or you'll never get reeelected.  And trust me, everyone is looking for evidence that you are faking it.  Not just caring, but everything.  Being a good person.  A good family(wo)man.  A loyal American.  A hardworker.  And even if you are one of those things, I guarantee there is SOMETHING out there that says otherwise, even if it's not a good representation of you and who you are. 


Take Rick Perry's hunting camp, which he recently renamed.  Now let's be clear - he didn't name this.  Nor did he name the multitude of other racist places around the US, which The Daily Show did a phenomenal job of reviewing this week.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

We have a pretty crappy track record with naming things.  But that doesn't mean Perry couldn't have changed it at any point - as soon as he bought it3, as soon as he ran for public office4, as soon as he ran for President5.  Come on dude, you knew it would come out.  And unless you're running on the David Duke platform, you're not going to like the attention.

But that's like getting a prostate for severe prostate pain - you should know that's getting checked out.  You should want it checked even.  But running for office means getting a proverbial finger up the poop chute for everything: financial records, college group affiliations, what TV shows you liked on Facebook6, everything.  Ever date a girl who now hates you?  Lock that down now, she's going to come out and spread the dirt.  Enter a dispute with a former landlord over damages?  They'll uncover it.

Now multiply it tenfold because we're about 10 years from nearly everyone new running for major political office having not only held a web presence, but holding a web presence prior to running for office.  Anyone running in 2024 will probably have had a college Facebook or Twitter.  And that's public record.  You didn't have a PR team or Chief of Staff reviewing those drunk tweets from Vegas, so it's not staying in Vegas my friend.  Be prepared to delete EVERYTHING.  This is what I like to call the "Digital Enema7."

And even then, there are cookies and cache.  Web histories and downloaded files.  And with the number of hackers out there looking to get nudie pics off Scarlett Johannson's phone, do you think someone who hates your policies won't do the same to see you spent $246 on online poker?  Get real. 

So it looks like no fun to be a politician now, merely because everyone is up your ass looking for shit.  But imagine it when someone runs for president that had a computer at 8, a smart phone at 10, and a Facebook account at 12.  That stuff is coming back to haunt them.  And I, for one, made space for all these skeletons in my closet for a reason8.  I'd like to keep them there please. 


1 - That's right, an analogy within my analogy post.  Xhibit approves!

2 - That's how most people got into office.

3 - When a normal, respectful person would do it. 

4 - When any intelligent person would do it, regardless of if they're racist.

5 - When even the stupidest, most bigoted person would do it, because you have to be an absolute dumbass not to know this would come out eventually. 

6 - Wait, Mitt Romney "liked" Queer as Folk in 2003?! 

7 - Enema of the State?

8 - Editor's Note: by no means does this imply that I have decaying remains in my closet, nor that they're homosexual skeletons.

The Apt Analist: 10 US Regional Foods I Want to Try

Mmmm...informational diagram... (*drools*)

I recently moved into Chicago and quickly learned there were three foods I needed to try to get the full Chicago experience: a Chicago dog, an Italian beef, and deep-dish pizza.  I've had the first two.  Italian beef is delicious and something I'll definitely get again.

But a Chicago hot dog... you guys, you ever try something you think will be good, but nothing special, and get absolutely wowed?  I thought "it's a hot dog, whatever."  But it's so good... it's a game changer.  Hot dogs used to be that rare food for me - basically BBQs and the occasional ballgame.  I maybe had a hot dog 10 times a year.  Now?  This is probably something I'll eat regularly.  It's in the rotation.

So it got me thinking: what other regional US foods have I heard of that I want... nay, NEED to try?  I'm not including foods from places I've tried (so no Maine lobster, New England Clam Chowder, NY Pizza, Philly cheesesteaks, or DC Half-Smokes), and I'm not counting just good food without a regional identifier (Italian food is good in a lot of places).  But in no particular order, here are 10 items I haven't tried locally that I will seek out whenever I visit new regions of the country:

1.  Muffaletta, Po Boy, and Gumbo - New Orleans, LA

Big Daddy approves of this menu.

I have a few friends who frequent N'awlins and/or are from there.  And I always hear of one of these three food items being amazing down there.  And it doesn't stop with the muffaletta, gumbo, or a po' boy - the entire region of food sounds amazing and unique.  But these three items always come to mind.

For those unaware, a muffaletta is a massive round sandwich with olive salad and a bunch of deli meats (capicola, salami, pepperoni, etc.).  Gumbo is a rich seafood stew with a deep stock, served with rice.  Po' Boys are seafood or meat subs on French bread with a spicy Creole mustard.  All three pull off the Creole cuisine in a unique way and all sound delicious.  All three are also gigantic, so I expect to be rolled out of New Orleans like Violet from the Chocolate Factory.

You gonna finish them crawdads?

2.   Cheese, Brats - Milwaukee, WI

 Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese....

This one is easy - I visited Wisconsin once to look at UW (awesome campus) and loved the area, but didn't get to have a brat.  They looked amazing... and I must have one.  I love a good brat, so why not have it in the capital?  And naturally, cheese in some form when hitting Wisconsin is a must - specifically I'd like to try fried curds.  But the brat is king here.  

3.  Southern BBQ - Various

It was a terrible idea to make this list when I was a little hungry...

This is called "blogger hedging his bets."  I've been a part of tons of annoying debates about "Best _______."  The Wawa-Sheetz convenience store debate comes to mind right away as a Penn Stater stuck with Philly and Pittsburgh natives defending their stores that both have solid sandwiches and some other items.  Both are fine, but loyalists will defend their regional store as if they're willing to go to war.  If only they would so the most vocal would take a bullet in the name of... well, a store that's usually found in a gas station that some people stop at to solely take a dump and get cigarettes.  

Pick a side!  Oh, and then shut the fuck up about it!

 

 BBQ is a whole different animal.  Because it comes down to styles, state pride, and there are distinct taste differences.  Dry vs. wet, savory vs. tangy, cooking levels... so much to choose between.  So I'll be diplomatic and say this: I'm like Switzerland if Switzerland were a really slutty woman.  I'm totally neutral on which style is best, I just it you all inside me.  I don't care how you dress your ribs, how you cut your brisket, or what consistency your sauce is.  I'm going to give you all a turn and maybe after I've been fully educated, I'll pick a side.  But for now, I'll put on a green smock, a spiky crown and hold up a lantern - give me your dry-rubbed, your pork, your smoking carcasses burning to be feed (for my facehole). 

4.  Mexican Food - Southern California (LA, San Diego, San Jose)

Yo tengo hambre.

Yes, I am fully aware that much of the Southwest has good tex-mex or authentic Mexican food.  And I'm happy to try it anywhere.  But sorry, San Diego and LA seem to have a reputation for some of the best choices in the big three important areas: diversity, quality, and availability.  And odds are I'll hit a city in Southern Cali sooner than a town in Southern Texas.  Let me be clear though - I'm open to anyone trying to prove me wrong on any of these, so please feel free to send free delicious food to:

Apt Analogy Blog

PO Box 742

Chicago, IL 60606

(Editor's Note: do not send free food there, it's not a real address)

5.  Pizza - Chicago, IL

 Two down, one to go...

Yep, I've been in the Chicago area for a week and haven't had their deep dish yet.  It's at the behest of my "host family" who say they need to direct me on where to go and want to take me.  And I'm not saying no to my family away from family.  Now, I will say that it goes beyond deep dish: I've heard from multiple sources that they aren't just taking the thick pizza crown.  Be warned, New Yorkers - they say their thin crust and regular styles don't just rival the Big Apple, they're the best in the country all around.  The gauntlet has been dropped... a cheesy, saucy gauntlet I will gladly take to the mouth.  

6.  Steak - Upper West US (Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska, Dakotas)

The main reason I don't understand vegetarianism.

Look, I know steak is steak.  And restaurants around the world, let alone the country, have some amazing cuts of meat.  Sometimes it comes down to cooking and seasoning, other times it's creativity.  I know that you can find an amazing steak in New York or LA.  

But when I want a REAL steak, I'm going to where the cows are grazing.  I want a steak that was butchered mere hours before it was cooked.  And I want a legit cowboy to kill that cow while chainsmoking.  Real Wild West style.  

The other way to say that is, what else am I going to eat when I travel out there.  Salad?  Fuck salad.  

7.  Fish - Pacific Northwest/Alaska

Fresh to death.

Here's another "but Dan, we have amazing sushi in _________."  I know, NY and LA have great sushi. If you're still saying this at item #7, you don't get this list's intentions.

Anyway, I love me some raw salmon.  Strangely, I lose interest in salmon and tuna when it's fully cooked, but raw?  Hells to the yes.  And what better place to get it than right near where they catch it.  I'd rock raw salmon all week if I went out that way.  Hopefully I can go out to a river like a bear and just eat it in mid air. That's a thing people do, right?  Right.

8. Hot Brown - Lexington, KY

I know some of you have no idea what this is, but you're intrigued...  

So the list deviated from my original idea of "unique foods" because I couldn't honestly leave off BBQ or Mexican, and then I realized there are huge pockets of the country I know would be good for something delicious that I can't overlook (Fish, Steak, and Mexican).  But we'll round out the list with a few local dishes you may not have heard of.

I briefly dated a Lexington native who, in addition to making me love bourbon, mentioned a Hot Brown sandwich.  I've seen them pop up on random travel food shows and I'm intrigued.  It's an open-face turkey and bacon sandwich covered in Mornay sauce, which is basically a bunch of cheese.  None of those ingredients sounds bad to me.  And hence, I will get some bourbon and a Hot Brown whenever I venture into Lexington.  

9.  Garbage Plate, Buffalo Wings - Upstate NY

 So. Much. Food.

I understand upstate NY screams buffalo wings, so I gotta get some.  But the intriguing thing to me is the garbage plate.  I have some friends from the Rochester area and they've ALL brought this up at some point.  It looks like an unholy mess of food, but I know it has some combination of meat, potatoes, and a shitload of other stuff.  Supposedly it's customizable, but I'm on board regardless. 

10.  In-N-Out Burger - California and surrounding states

OH MY GOD!

I know some of you just hit #10, waiting for me to mention your region's specialty dish and the fact I just listed a fast food chain has you pissed off.  But anyone who has ever had this gets it.  I have heard from so many people that this is the most amazing burger.  Hell, it's so good it nearly beat out two local chains in a taste test after flying cross country!  That's impressive. 

And I've had Shake Shack (awesome) and Five Guys (overrated), but I need to try In-N-Out.  I have yet to meet anyone who dislikes it, and most rave.  I will stop at INO on the way from the airport when I hit the west coast, even before I get a burrito or fish taco.  Guaranteed. 


List your favorites that I missed in the comments please.  I need a menu for anywhere I head at this point. 

And remember, I left out regional foods I've had before.  Here's a quick list of things I'd recommend just to cover my bases:
- New England Clam Chowder, Clam Cakes (New England)
- Lobster/Lobster Roll (Maine)
- Philly Cheesesteak (Philly)
- Crab cakes/Fresh Crab (Maryland - I'm not a huge crab fan, but I recognize it's quality food)
- Pretty much anything (NY - pizza, chinese - especially dumplings!, food trucks, etc.)
- Chicago Dogs and Italian Beef (Chicago)
- Key Lime Pie (Key West)
- Conch Chowder and Fritters (Western Florida)
- Cuban Sandwich (Miami)
- Half Smoke (DC)
- Primanti's style sandwiches (Pittsburgh)
- Fried Chicken (GA and other southern areas, plus I hear Ohio has some good stuff)
- Chili (Texas or Cincy, it's a preference thing)
- Sausage and Peppers (New Jersey)

And I don't recommend:
- Poi (Hawaii - I can only assume based on the taste that it's a finely ground asshole whipped into a paste)

Why Celebrities Are Like a Rich Relative Who Will Only Give Their Money to One Family Member

Currently making heaven sleeker, sexier, and more technologically advanced.

Steve Jobs passed away earlier tonight, which is a sad day for technophiles and hipsters alike.  The man himself seemed like he was nice enough and death in most forms tends to be a tragic occurrence.  Except when its a video game, in which case it's just annoying.  

Fucking Hammer Bros. always take 3 tries to beat...

But sadly, the information age has made celebrity deaths or, really, anything dealing with celebrities almost unbearable.  People turn into suck-ups for no reason when a celebrity has a major life event: childbirth, weddings, funerals, etc.  Sometimes I understand it: Princess Diana was obviously a shocking event and I get why so many British people were devastated by her death.  The Royal Family is their country's prized bloodline and she was by all accounts very philathropic and sweet.  It's like they're the British Kennedys.  (Kennedies?)

What's the first thing JFK Jr. always did when he got to Martha's Vineyard? He washed up on the beach.

Some celebrities get an iconic status that deserves some attention.  Michael Jackson WOULD have been that person if we didn't spend 15 years making pedophile jokes prior to suddenly worshiping him when he died.  But World Leaders, era-defining icons (Beatles, Elvis, Aristotle), and people who changed the world for the better make sense.  I get mourning the loss of a Pope or the Dhali Lama.  These are people for whom some public outpouring makes sense.

But with Twitter and Facebook, any celebrity death suddenly seems to go through a three step race:

1.  Be the first person to state someone died and say how they touched your life.

Ex.  "RIP Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes... I always rocked out to Crazy Sexy Cool with my BFFs after skool.  Don't Go Chasin' Waterfallz!!!!"

2.  Be the first person to make a joke about the death.
Ex. "If Lisa Lopes is an organ donor, do you think it's possible someone is about to get her left eye in a transplant?  LOLZ!"

3.  Be the first person to snap back about the public outpouring by diminishing their accomplishments.  

Ex.  "Why the hell is everyone talking about Lisa Lopes dying? She was just a random bitch from a pop group that hasn't been relevant for 5 years!  WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT YET NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW 9/11 WAS CLEARLY AN INSIDE JOB?!"

Currently providing the random rap verse to songs in heaven.

But ultimately when someone dies, people try to one up each other for attention.  Integration into memes, different degrees of remembrance, creating FB groups... basically trying to show that a death meant more to you than someone else.  It's as if they want to be acknowledged for their remembrance.  "Congrats, you must have been the biggest Heath Ledger fan.  I cannot hold a candle to your Heath worship and concede all future 'RIPs' to you." 

Why can't we just accept that death is a sad event, regardless of what the person did for a living.  Why should I think Aaliyah's death was more tragic than that of a 87 year old man who put three kids through college and worked 43 years at a steel mill?  I'm sure most of you are thinking "You shouldn't" but we act like celebrity deaths are WAY more important.  Which is ridiculous.  

Based on the importance given to his death, I assume Tupac cured AIDS, put several inner city youth through college, and he solved the world's hunger crisis, all while bringing democracy to several post-Cold War disputed territories. 

I'm glad Steve Jobs' family is keeping things private and I'm glad Jobs' kept his impending death out of the media (because based on the timeline, it's clear he was aware this was coming).  His passing is sad, but no sadder than any other death.  He did a lot of good in his time and I'll remember that.  But there's no contest for best tweet or status update about his death.  Let the people who knew him mourn long term and let's move on because ZZOMG YOU GUYS SARAH PALIN ISN'T RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!  I bet it's because 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB SCARLETT JOHANSEN'S BOOBS BRETT FAVRE PENIS BRANGELINA THE SITUATION SNOOKI NEW AKON SINGLE!!!!

The Apt Analist: 10 Cities I'm Passing Close to Today In Order of My Desire to Visit Them

One feature that I'm hoping to bring into the fold on a regular basis is doing a Top 10 List.  It's something I enjoy and that someone requested, so why not?  On Thursdays I'll bust something out, even if it's quick.  The topic is totally random and the lists are not very researched.  Which is to say many times, I'm not doing any research, I'm pulling them out of my ass.

Hence, the Analist. 

That said, let's do it! 

In honor of my trip to Chicago (which is going on as we speak - I wrote this list IN THE PAST!!!!1), the first list is about travel.  Now I've never been to a lot of cities I'll be passing within an hour of, but there are some big names on the list.  Therefore, here is a rank of 10 Cities I'm Passing Close to Today In Order of My Desire to Visit Them2.


(1) New York City

The sky is red! 

Even after eliminating Chicago from the list of eligible cities, this one wasn't really fair.  NYC is iconic in every sense of the word, and a place everyone should visit.  However, it's having some really good friends living there that push it to the top for me, not to mention 4AM last calls, amazing food from every cuisine, and there's always something to do.  Sold!

(2) State College/University Park, PA

This is currently the third largest city in PA

Another unfair situation - you're asking a Penn Stater not to pick his alma mater to visit.  Football, coeds, a beautiful campus, and one of the biggest parties on the planet on Saturdays in the fall.  That italicized line is not a joke - the campus becomes the third largest city in Pennsylvania when there is a home game.  Only reason it loses out to NYC is I don't know many people there anymore, but you make friends fast. 



(3) Philadelphia, PA

If you look closely, there are batteries being thrown at the river.

I've been to Philly only a couple times and enjoyed every second of it.  An historic3 city, beautiful, great food, plus by all accounts, a blast of a college town.  Given the historic downtown and the sports enthusiasm, as much as it would pain either place to say it, Philly and Boston are VERY similar.  I haven't been there and sightseeing enough to see it all, so another shot would be great. 


(4) South Bend, IN

Hey, remember when our football team was relevant?

I hate Notre Dame, but only from a football perspective.  Can't stand how they get so much undeserved attention because they USED to be good and Rudy was about a crappy Notre Dame player that made one tackle4.  But despite that, it's supposedly beautiful and a great college town.  Plus the College Football Hall of Fame.  Seems like a must visit for a sports fan to me. 



(5) Pittsburgh, PA

Where the motto is "Steel Away to Pittsburgh."  Or at least it should be. 

I've been to Pittsburgh once.  I went with a few close friends, one of whom lived in a nearby suburb.  And I had a blast.  Granted, I spent much of it intoxicated and ended up staring at one exhibit in the Warhol Museum for over an hour5, but it was fun.  I've heard the city has rebounded a lot too so worth checking out for sure. 


(6) Scranton, PA

THE ELECTRIC CITY!

Now Scranton gets a "middle of the pack" pick because I just can't peg it: on one hand, I have a few friends there who seem to like it for the most part.  On the other hand, what is The Office isn't a real thing?  I mean, it's a documentary, but so was This is Spinal Tap and my parents finally told me that the band isn't real.  I can't handle another heartbreak, even if I'm told over a nice seafood dinner at Cooper's. 


(7) Cleveland, OH

Looks nice enough from back here...

This is as much a morbid curiosity pick as it is general interest.  Can Cleveland REALLY be that bad?  I mean, LeBron left and the job market sucks because of its dependence on factory and hard labor industry, but it's pretty bad in Pittsburgh too and they seem to be doing alright.  I'm more just curious HOW bad it is.  It could be a short visit. 


(8) Atlantic City, NJ

This HAS to be 'Shopped.

I've been to Atlantic City, or as I like to call it, The AC6, only once.  We went on a whim on the way to New York from Philly.  We spent maybe 4 hours there, I lost $60, we got McDonalds, and smelled the ocean.  I didn't see any crackheads, prostitutes, or homeless people, but you could tell they were there.  You could FEEL they were there.  It seems like Vegas if you took out all the attractions Vegas has to entertain people who don't like gambling, alcohol, or pornography.  Basically rip out the golf courses, most of the theaters, and anything remotely wholesome.  They say you should only stay in Vegas two nights - I think AC is one and done.  But still - gambling and sluts!  Which reminds me...


(9) Fort Wayne, IN

 The Las Vegas of the midwest!

 I know nothing about Fort Wayne, except that it's in Indiana and it's a really big dot on the map that I pass.  I assume it's wonderfully white bread.  According to Wikipedia, they have annual Greek and German Festivals, a Soccer Festival, and a Johnny Appleseed Festival.  I would time my visit around one of these, because at least you know there should be food.


(10) Bridgeport, CT

Editor's Note: Not to scale.

Oh, Connecticut: you're New England's New Jersey.  Your residents think they're God's gift to the country, while you're everyone else's punchline (sometimes deservedly, but usually not).  To the rest of New England, Connecticut is a three hour traffic delay that happens to have the ESPN offices and Yale.  That's it.  There are some nice parts, but the people have the country club stereotype.  And there are some bad parts... which brings us to Bridgeport.

I've spent exactly 7 hours in Bridgeport and I hope to keep it that way.  We stopped here on the way back to DC from Foxboro because the weather wasn't safe to drive in7.  We got a hotel and slept for about 5 hours.  The hotel lobby was iffy, but the surrounding area made it look like the street outside the window of an investigator's office in a mystery movie: that generic "rough part of town" where there are always neon lights and traffic noises in the distance.  It was a ghost town, yet it was loud and seedy.  Nothing looked new. 

And honestly, we were gone before daytime really.  It could just be a random downtown that shuts down at night.  But it looked about as fun as getting a rimjob from someone who just ate a bunch of habanero peppers.  So I'll stick to Gary, Indiana. 

Honorable Mentions:
Ann Arbor, MI and Columbus, OH (they both seemed a bit more than an hour off my path)
Gary, Indiana (sounds like its just a dude that hangs out in Indiana)
Toledo, OH (Go Mudhens!)
Akron, OH (Go Zips!)
Detroit, MI (off the board, I assume the city was foreclosed)
Sandusky, OH (Home of Callahan Auto Parts)
Kalamazoo, MI (sounds funny)


1 - It's like being behind a looking glass nobody was interested in! 

2 - I'm excluding Chicago because it would obviously be Number 1.  Otherwise, why would I be doing this in the first place?

3 - Gahh!  There it is again.  An historic.  I can't stop! 

4 - And he was offsides!

5 - The "Silver Clouds" with the helium-filled rations bags that float around the room, in case anyone has been to the museum and was curious. 

6 - Don't call it that...

7 - Yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.  Suck it. 

Why DC is Like a Really Nice, Attractive Person with a Rampant Case of Herpes

Notice the red spots at the base on the shaft.

I leave today to head west to Chicago.  I'm hoping I love it - from the sounds of it, it's a great fit for me.  Up to now, I spent the last five years of my life in DC.  When I told friends in the city I was leaving because I didn't like it, many couldn't understand why I hate the city.  And why would I even come in the first place if it's "not for me," the phrase I overused those last six months. 

I don't regret going in the first place at all:  I met a ton of great people who I consider my friends, I got a Masters degree, I immersed myself in a great improv community, and I once saw Howard Dean at a bar1. It was an experience that helped shape who I am.  But the latter three years I was there, I wasn't really that happy - I enjoyed going to school, but once it was just work and social life, I started to see an issue emerge with DC that I didn't like.

DC kind of turns people into self-important assclowns2. 

Ryan Howard would fit right in at The Pourhouse on Thursdays. 

Now let me be clear, this doesn't mean I dislike any of my DC friends.  Some of THEIR friends, yes.  Absolutely.  But anyone I've called my friend is still my friend, despite this issue.  And it's one I was guilty of too, so don't think I was immune.  It's just a city that narrows your worldview so much that you think stuff is way more important or impressive than it is, which is counter-intuitive since people come from all over the country, so you think if anything it would broaden your worldview.  

Nope.  

I'll try not to be overly cruel, not just to keep from alienating friends, but because there's always a chance if I can't find work in a better3 city, I could end up back there, and I don't want to be totally depressed if that happens.  But I always laugh when people visit and say "Dan, we don't get it - tons of stuff to do, beautiful scenery, lots of bars and younger people... what's the problem?" because even if there isn't an outbreak and you don't notice it, it doesn't mean the city is cured.

DC has plenty of positive qualities.  Amongst them:

1.  Excellent college town.  There are a bunch of reputable universities of different sizes and campus styles - GW, American, Howard, Georgetown4, Catholic, plus the nearby George Mason and Maryland that aren't "DC Colleges" but are within the Metro area.  As such, there is a constant influx of youth in the city, as many grads stick around to work as well. 

2.  Great, growing restaurant and bar scene. 

3.  Local identity and feel while being a transient city.  The locals do take pride in the city, but you can't walk five feet without tripping over someone from another state, and if you look hard enough, you can meet someone from all 50 states in one day.

4.  Stable job marke.

5.  An historic5 and monumental city.  Smithsonian, Lincoln, Washington, White House, WWII, MLK, Jefferson, etc.  It's a must visit city for anyone with just those, and I didn't even mention the nearby Arlington Cemetery, Pentagon, Mt. Vernon, Korean War, Vietnam War... 

6.  It's big enough that there's something for everyone.  Like jazz music?  U St.  Baseball?  Nats Park is super affordable.  Biking?  The trails in VA are pristine.  Literature?  Busboys and Poets hosts readings all the time.  International culture?  You can go to basically every country's embassy in a day when they do open houses, plus the transient nature of the city means a little piece of every country can be found somewhere.  

7.  Public transportation is immaculate.  It could be improved (run with fewer delays, 24 hour service, etc.) but considering how many people use it, it's super clean and convenient. 

I could probably give you a nice round 20 if I wanted, but you get the picture.

So with all that, you'd think the place would be crawling with happy, friendly people all the time.  And if you just came in for a weekend, you'd probably be impressed and interested in living there.  That's because DC is ashamed of it's disease and hides it well. 

Many people end up in DC for politics or government jobs, which often give you a sense of importance that may be a bit inflated.  Others head there because they're getting good paying jobs as they were the "cream of the crop" and they carry that flag for themselves.  A bulk of the schools also have this false sense of superiority - Georgetown, I've already covered in the footnotes.  GW was once the most expensive school in the country, so you can imagine what that draws in.  Maryland students love to talk about how they're so glad they're away from the city, like they aren't on the cusp of it. 

Throw these characteristics or traits in a bubble city that's isolated from reality and you get such a crazy worldview - "We're the everyman and know exactly what everyone wants all over our country."  And that's batshit crazy.  You would THINK that would be the case because you can meet people from virtually any state or country, except you got the people that wanted to leave those places and come to DC.  So this "I'm right and I know what's best for you" attitude comes out and it can make even the most normal person sound like a haughty douchebag. 

"Excuse me, but you don't support a flat tax?  Here's why you're clearly uneducated..."

For a city with all the politicians, you'd think they would be open to educated, reasoned discussion, but look at how that works in Congress or in political ads and debates and you've got your answer: they aren't.  I hid my feelings on so many current events and issues because I got sick of being told why I was WRONG.  Not "That's interesting, here's a counterpoint."  But I was wrong because I wasn't a staunch liberal.  And it went the other way too - find that pocket of conservatives and if you're not on board with them, you're "Clearly blinded by Washington politics." 

Except it doesn't end with politics, it creeps into everything.  Movies, music, sports, food... if you spread your opinion around a group of 10 people, you're likely to find one willing to shoot down your opinion like a clay pigeon.  And usually without much reason, it's because THEY are right because THEY work for Senator Everyman. 

It's not a place for free thought and opinion, it's a place for people who like to fall in line with red or blue and blindly follow them to the ends of the earth.  When you find the small minority who aren't on either side, they have such a chip on their shoulder from fighting it6 that they come off equally douchey at times.  "I'm staying out of this because it's just going to devolve into a worthless debate" is still a stance - it's the stance of removing yourself.  

When people from DC say they "understand you," this is what they use.

The fact of the matter is anyone who doesn't travel all over the country doesn't get the differences in opinions.  It's all about worldview.  Are you from a coastal city in the blue and think republicans are stupid?  You probably haven't seen why republicans support lower taxes and fewer federal programs.  From the Bible belt and can't get how democrats don't have your moral compass?  Perhaps you haven't seen the diversity of faiths that differ from yours. 

But ultimately, the main issue is people are too afraid to be proven wrong.  They feel if they don't strongly and blindly support the opinion in which they came in, they look like they caved.  And people who cave don't last in politics.  Which is sad.  I would love to live in a world where our political system worked on compromise and changing opinions as our knowledge about a subject increased.  Instead, we get bickering and slander ads.  And DC reflects that in a lot of ways.

Ultimately, it's still a fine city - it's beautiful, it's pretty clean, and I've made great friends there.  But everyone, even myself, will fall victim to being within the Beltway.  They may think they avoid it, but at some point, they'll hold fast to an opinion just to do it - because they don't want to look wrong, because they don't want to cave, or just because they want to get under your skin.  They'll make a snap judgment and stick to it.  And they will think that their opinion should be a universal one and that they can make decisions for other people because "they know better."  They don't. 

Every city has it's flaws, but DC likes to cover up theirs.  Be warned, it'll flare up eventually and it's contagious.  Protect yourselves7. 

1 - He was having dinner at The Hawk and Dove.  If I was two drinks deeper and didn't have a liberal friend stare me down, I wanted to help give him his order - "You know something?  Not only are we getting the crabcakes, Katie the waitress... we're getting two sodas!  And 2 salads!  And a porterhouse!  And a baked chicken!  And a side of mashed potatoes!  And gravy!  And extra rolls!  And mixed veggies!  And then we're going to dessert, and we're going to take down a creme brulee!  BYAHHH!"

2 - Yep, I might have just turned off half my "built-in audience" by insulting them in Post #2.  I'm really good at this. 

3 - Bet you thought this footnote was going to mitigate the whole "better city" claim.  Nope, I stick by it.  And I think there are a lot of options in that category.  However, I also admit there are some that aren't COUGHJacksonvileCOUGH.

4 - Here's the first spot some DC residents would show their true colors - anyone who went to Georgetown is PISSED I listed them anywhere but first in this list.

5 - Is it really supposed to be "an historic?"  I hear that all the time and it doesn't make sense to me because the H is pronounced.  It's an honest question (see?  Since the H wasn't pronounced there, "an" makes sense).  I call bullshit on the grammar nazi who started overpronouncing ANNNNN historic like a dick. 

6 - Here's where I found myself being guilty most times.  

7 - By this, I mean wear a condom at all times. 

Why 2011 Red Sox Fans are like Hal from Shallow Hal

My favorite Jack Black character is "that character Jack Black plays in everything."

So if you don't know me personally, which means this early on your either meticulously searching for new blogs or you're here by accident, I'm a Red Sox fan.  Anytime I say I'm a Red Sox fan and I'm not in New England, I usually get a series of questions which I'll answer now:

1.  Are you from Boston?  No, but just south in Rhode Island.

2.  Did you start rooting for them in 2004?  No.  I'm not going to claim I suffered through 1986, because I was only two and I understood baseball as well as I understood Big Bird wasn't real and my parents weren't superheroes.  But I did live through the 1995 collapse against the Indians, Yankees dynasty1, the 1999 playoff push that got the Indians monkey of our backs, the 2003 Boone home run, and about 5 years of early-to-mid '90s teams that struggled to stay above .500.  

3.  Do you like the other Boston teams?  I'm also a Pats fan, but I rooted for the Whalers so I don't support the Bruins, and I found NBA Basketball to be unwatchable from 2000 to about last year so I forfeited my right to call myself a Celtics fan a long time ago.

But regardless of the few of you that inevitably grumble because I root for teams that have been recently successful and have loudmouth fans who give us a bad rep2, I've been loyal for a while so I've taken my lumps too.  And while the recent month with the Sox basically handing the Wild Card to the Tampa Bay Rays has been annoying, I can't sit here and claim there's some curse or have a "woe is me" attitude because, come on, we've been VERY fortunate to root for so many champion teams over the last decade in New England.  Don't let a Boston fan pretend this is a tragedy.  This team just isn't going to win and that's OK.  Letting a Boston fan cry about this is like dealing with Donald Trump whine because he's not going to become president - I think he's gotten enough breaks in the past. 

Thanks for the ice cream, Dad!  And also the millions of dollars you gave me, that was awesome too.

But watching the wheels come off and coming to the realization that the team isn't championship-caliber has been weird, like taking the blinders off.  It seems that our big name players have made us blind to the fact that a couple key injuries could totally knock the team off kilter, a few of the positions are weak, and we have some overrated or uncomfortable players.  Basically, we're finally seeing the team come back to earth.  While it was fun pretending we were an unstoppable force for 3 months, every team is beatable.  Maybe the Red Sox aren't Rosemary from Shallow Hall, but the difference between what the fans expected and what they're getting is monumental. 

Your starting right fielder, JD Drew!

Boston fans are, indeed, shallow.  It's not our fault, we just expect to win more than lose these days so we pretend its a tragedy to lose when it's just baseball and we're rooting for laundry.  Red Sox fans don't hate Derek Jeter the person, they hate Derek Jeter the Yankee.  If we ended up with him as our shortstop back in the 90's, JEEEEEETAHHHHH would replace NOOOMAHHHH as the rally cry that probably resulted in a couple bleacher fights in the Bronx, as well as an SNL sketch3.

This is a good team.  They still will end up winning about 90 games.  They may still make the playoffs.  But because the T&A we saw for 4 months is no longer there, we're acting like we went from Kate Upton to Rosie O'Donnell. 

 I'll insert the Rosie O'Donnell bikini pics here as soon as I find them, assuming my face doesn't melt off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  

 Unfortunately, people will look back at this season as a failure.  It's fair to do so only because of the lead they gave up, but it doesn't mean this is a bad team.  Hell, when they're healthy they have a current or former All-Star at almost every position.  They're going to be competitive for at least a few years.  They may win in 2012.  But the fans need to get back to supporting the team without only expecting a World Series every year.  This is why the fans became so obnoxious - that "chip on the shoulder" transformed to a false sense of entitlement.  This team has a ton of great qualities, but it's going to take a year for it all to work together. 

The fans should use this to come back to earth.  Take a team's good qualities with the bad.  And remember that you've been damn lucky the past 10 years to win two World Series. 

1 - A dynasty is a few championships with a consistency of success, where your dominance controlled the outcome of the league for at least 3 years.  The Patriots, Yankees, Cowboys, 49ers, Lakers, Bulls... these teams have all had dynasties in the last 20 years.  Don't pretend these didn't happen, everyone who I've heard crap on the Patriots, Cowboys, and Lakers dynasties and say they weren't "actually" dynasties.

2 - I think every team has terrible fans and great fans.  I know some very rational fans from New York, Philly, Dallas, etc. and I know some obnoxious Orioles and Pirates fans.  It's just that big market teams tend to magnify the negative qualities. 

3 - Don't worry, my defense of SNL is coming soon - it's not as much "SNL is awesome," but "You guys honestly think SNL 20 years ago was this amazing franchise?  Because it's always been hit or miss and they only replay the best sketches, so you THINK it was amazing."  I'm going to find some TERRIBLE sketches for you guys from those days...

Why Portal is the Justin Timberlake of Video Game Franchises

Wheatley is bringing sexy back.

For a really long time, I had heard about Portal and I was chomping at the bit to play it.  Unfortunately, when I'd heard of it, it was in a very difficult to find Orange Box with two games I didn't give a crap about, so I didn't want to justify the cost.  Thankfully, my friend Adam ended up sucking it up and getting both games and he let me play it when I visited one weekend.  

And holy crap, it's video game crack.  I stayed up until at least 3:30AM playing multiple times.  I beat Portal I (admittedly short) in the first weekend and I plowed through most of Portal II in another weekend visit.  I still haven't finished Portal II, full disclosure1, but it's only because I moved home and can't really justify buying and playing an in-depth video game when I have important stuff to be doing2.

For those who don't know, Portal is basically a trial-and-error game of physics manipulation that's heavy on problem and puzzle solving.  You play a test subject (read: guinea pig) who has to go through a series of tests at the behest of unseen scientists.  In Portal II, you're escaping from the facility after it's become run-down and unmaintained. 

But it's not what I expected really.  I though at first it was a very sci-fi-intense game with a fun puzzle aspect, but the sci-fi is just there as the backdrop.  Honestly, the plot could be anything:

- Donkey Kong has a banana that makes tubes that can transport things and people back and forth.

- Peyton Manning can throw a spiral that creates a wormhole that can transport things back and forth.

- Barbie's Dreamhouse has flower vacuums that she can move that can transport things back and forth3. 

The fact of the matter is you have a gun that lets you put two portals - what goes in one, comes out the other and vice versa.  It doesn't matter if you like sci-fi or robots or anything, the gameplay is pure puzzle solving.  If you've met anyone who likes any type of puzzle and dislikes Portal (off the top of my head, I can think of 1 person), it's either because they made a snap judgment about the game and never gave it a chance, or it's because their parents were killed by a Companion Cube.  

Innocent testing instrument?  Or cold-blooded killer?

And in a weird way, that's the exact mentality that goes into people hating Justin Timberlake.  It's rare to find someone who actively dislikes Timberlake - most people enthusiastically or at least begrudgingly admit the dude is talented in some way.  He's a Grammy and Emmy award winner.  He's a chart-topping musician.  He can headline a movie.  He's been the most consistently good and funny host on SNL in the last 10 years.  He's still got his dancing skills from the '90s.  He can pull off the dramatic or comedic role.  He seems, by all accounts, to be a likable dude.  It doesn't really matter what sector of entertainment you tend to gravitate toward, he's probably been there and been successful.

Thanks for the hat, Maria Bello!

But the dude transcends genre in a way Portal can - it doesn't really matter where your interests lie, it can appeal to you in some way.  Portal has suspenseful moments, it has comedic writing, it has impressive scenery, it has dramatic reveals.  At at the heart of it is problem-solving, the root of any game.  The only turn-off might be how difficult it gets, but that's the value of the game - that you can't blow through it in an hour4. Even if you don't like some aspect, it brings something else to the table to make up for it. 

And for those that dismiss no matter what, they either haven't given it a chance or they're dismissing on reputation.  And that's their prerogative.

So I'll continue to enjoy Timberlake on SNL, even though his music isn't entirely in the genre I enjoy (and I admit he's talented musically).  And I'll continue to enjoy Portal for its comedy and its puzzles, even though I'm not a sci-fi nut by any stretch (and I admit the sci-fi is engaging).  But even if you dislike either of them, accept their value, because they're both going to be around for a long time. 

1 - I think the whole thing is going to turn out to be Bob Hartley's dream.  And he is the head of the Dharma Initiative.  And the Dharma Initiative killed Bruce Willis, who has been DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!!! Sorry if I just ruined The Whole Nine Yards for anyone. 

2 - Like writing blogs about video games?  I hate myself. 

3 - Patents pending on all these ideas.  Especially the football based one, which will be called Aqib PorTalib, since cornerbacks play an integral role in the physics behind this game. 

4 - "I bet you want to blow through Justin Timberlake in an hour, don't you?"  I beat you to the gay joke, thanks for stopping by. 

Why The Current Job Market is like Trying to Get Someone Pregnant

Pick me! I got my Bachelors at Swarthmore!

So I've been job hunting for about 3 months now.  And it sucks, not just because I'm burning through my savings, but because it's a weird feeling to not have a time you have to get up.  I've had several morning where I wake up and I'm conscious at 6:30AM, but I stay in bed until 8AM doing email correspondence and following up on job posts (as well as playing Angry Birds and listening to podcasts).  And it's because my current "job" is to sit at a computer and try to get someone to give me an interview1. It doesn't matter if I'm at my desk, on a couch, or lying down - so long as I have internet and a computer-like device, I can do what I need. 

And that's a weird feeling.  I know my roommates2 must think I sleep until 9 most days, but I'm up because when you don't have a job, you also can mix in your required "entertainment" throughout the day - watching a movie, reading a book, intravenous drugs, listening to music... I can stop what I'm doing and satisfy those desires anytime.  And I know the grass is always greener and someone at a consulting job I'd love to have is thinking "Man, I wish I could watch back episodes of Wilfred at 1:30 in the afternoon, but I have a price overview for a project I need to review..." but trust me, at least you can do the fun thing after work.  At the end of the day, you have money coming in. 

But ultimately my day is job applications, which feels funny, because I'll find a position that's perfect for me.

"Wow, I'm a career-oriented problem solver.  And I have experience in analysis.  And I love sports.  And they want a Rhode Island native who said the alphabet backwards at his pre-school graduation and once broke into a weird disco-esque dance during the breakdown of "Stairway to Heaven" at a Junior High dance because he'd never heard it and thought it was a new song3?!  That's a perfect job for me!"

And you apply thinking "Wow, those other jobs I was a pretty good fit, but this job description is me to a T!  I got this!"  But then weeks pass and you don't hear anything because you forget that the market sucks and it turns out there are 396 career-oriented, problem solving sports fans that know the alphabet backwards and don't have a vast enough knowledge of rock ballads to dance to them properly.

You are one of the assholes in a Where's Waldo book who is dressed like Waldo, but almost every time, you are NOT Waldo.

"Oh!  I foun... God damnit, nevermind..."

So ultimately you can take one of two approaches:
1.  Meet a few candidates you feel you have the best chance with and woo them.  Write them sweet nothings via cover letters.  Call them frequently for a date/introductory interview.  Show up at their office to let them know you're thinking of them.  And hope that by showing them you really care more than Clint from Grand Rapids, even though he went to Cornell and has more internship experience than you, they'll pick you because you're the lovable underdog who finally can get the girl.

"Excuse me, but did…um…do you know if finished that financial breakdown for you?"

2.  Resume-fuck anything that moves and hope one of them works out.  

"I'm sorry, I know I applied to you, but I can't remember your company name..."

But ultimately you have to get lucky.  Or have one of their friends introduce you via networking.  Or, if you're really desperate, go on Craigslist and take whatever comes along.  Just like any relationship, you gotta work at it to have success.

And if you can't get anything to happen, after a while... well, you're screwed either way I guess. 

1 - Note to prospective companies: if you want to forgo the interview and give me a job, please don't let that sentence imply I enjoy interviews.  I don't.  Job please!

2 - Oh, is "roommates" not the correct word to describe my father and stepmother when I moved back home? 

3 - I'd never danced before and my dad taught me, but apparently he hadn't danced since the Carter administration and was not the right person to speak to.  Thankfully the breakdown didn't last long enough to bust out an elaborate Saturday Night Fever choreography we worked on.