Why DC is Like a Really Nice, Attractive Person with a Rampant Case of Herpes

Notice the red spots at the base on the shaft.

I leave today to head west to Chicago.  I'm hoping I love it - from the sounds of it, it's a great fit for me.  Up to now, I spent the last five years of my life in DC.  When I told friends in the city I was leaving because I didn't like it, many couldn't understand why I hate the city.  And why would I even come in the first place if it's "not for me," the phrase I overused those last six months. 

I don't regret going in the first place at all:  I met a ton of great people who I consider my friends, I got a Masters degree, I immersed myself in a great improv community, and I once saw Howard Dean at a bar1. It was an experience that helped shape who I am.  But the latter three years I was there, I wasn't really that happy - I enjoyed going to school, but once it was just work and social life, I started to see an issue emerge with DC that I didn't like.

DC kind of turns people into self-important assclowns2. 

Ryan Howard would fit right in at The Pourhouse on Thursdays. 

Now let me be clear, this doesn't mean I dislike any of my DC friends.  Some of THEIR friends, yes.  Absolutely.  But anyone I've called my friend is still my friend, despite this issue.  And it's one I was guilty of too, so don't think I was immune.  It's just a city that narrows your worldview so much that you think stuff is way more important or impressive than it is, which is counter-intuitive since people come from all over the country, so you think if anything it would broaden your worldview.  

Nope.  

I'll try not to be overly cruel, not just to keep from alienating friends, but because there's always a chance if I can't find work in a better3 city, I could end up back there, and I don't want to be totally depressed if that happens.  But I always laugh when people visit and say "Dan, we don't get it - tons of stuff to do, beautiful scenery, lots of bars and younger people... what's the problem?" because even if there isn't an outbreak and you don't notice it, it doesn't mean the city is cured.

DC has plenty of positive qualities.  Amongst them:

1.  Excellent college town.  There are a bunch of reputable universities of different sizes and campus styles - GW, American, Howard, Georgetown4, Catholic, plus the nearby George Mason and Maryland that aren't "DC Colleges" but are within the Metro area.  As such, there is a constant influx of youth in the city, as many grads stick around to work as well. 

2.  Great, growing restaurant and bar scene. 

3.  Local identity and feel while being a transient city.  The locals do take pride in the city, but you can't walk five feet without tripping over someone from another state, and if you look hard enough, you can meet someone from all 50 states in one day.

4.  Stable job marke.

5.  An historic5 and monumental city.  Smithsonian, Lincoln, Washington, White House, WWII, MLK, Jefferson, etc.  It's a must visit city for anyone with just those, and I didn't even mention the nearby Arlington Cemetery, Pentagon, Mt. Vernon, Korean War, Vietnam War... 

6.  It's big enough that there's something for everyone.  Like jazz music?  U St.  Baseball?  Nats Park is super affordable.  Biking?  The trails in VA are pristine.  Literature?  Busboys and Poets hosts readings all the time.  International culture?  You can go to basically every country's embassy in a day when they do open houses, plus the transient nature of the city means a little piece of every country can be found somewhere.  

7.  Public transportation is immaculate.  It could be improved (run with fewer delays, 24 hour service, etc.) but considering how many people use it, it's super clean and convenient. 

I could probably give you a nice round 20 if I wanted, but you get the picture.

So with all that, you'd think the place would be crawling with happy, friendly people all the time.  And if you just came in for a weekend, you'd probably be impressed and interested in living there.  That's because DC is ashamed of it's disease and hides it well. 

Many people end up in DC for politics or government jobs, which often give you a sense of importance that may be a bit inflated.  Others head there because they're getting good paying jobs as they were the "cream of the crop" and they carry that flag for themselves.  A bulk of the schools also have this false sense of superiority - Georgetown, I've already covered in the footnotes.  GW was once the most expensive school in the country, so you can imagine what that draws in.  Maryland students love to talk about how they're so glad they're away from the city, like they aren't on the cusp of it. 

Throw these characteristics or traits in a bubble city that's isolated from reality and you get such a crazy worldview - "We're the everyman and know exactly what everyone wants all over our country."  And that's batshit crazy.  You would THINK that would be the case because you can meet people from virtually any state or country, except you got the people that wanted to leave those places and come to DC.  So this "I'm right and I know what's best for you" attitude comes out and it can make even the most normal person sound like a haughty douchebag. 

"Excuse me, but you don't support a flat tax?  Here's why you're clearly uneducated..."

For a city with all the politicians, you'd think they would be open to educated, reasoned discussion, but look at how that works in Congress or in political ads and debates and you've got your answer: they aren't.  I hid my feelings on so many current events and issues because I got sick of being told why I was WRONG.  Not "That's interesting, here's a counterpoint."  But I was wrong because I wasn't a staunch liberal.  And it went the other way too - find that pocket of conservatives and if you're not on board with them, you're "Clearly blinded by Washington politics." 

Except it doesn't end with politics, it creeps into everything.  Movies, music, sports, food... if you spread your opinion around a group of 10 people, you're likely to find one willing to shoot down your opinion like a clay pigeon.  And usually without much reason, it's because THEY are right because THEY work for Senator Everyman. 

It's not a place for free thought and opinion, it's a place for people who like to fall in line with red or blue and blindly follow them to the ends of the earth.  When you find the small minority who aren't on either side, they have such a chip on their shoulder from fighting it6 that they come off equally douchey at times.  "I'm staying out of this because it's just going to devolve into a worthless debate" is still a stance - it's the stance of removing yourself.  

When people from DC say they "understand you," this is what they use.

The fact of the matter is anyone who doesn't travel all over the country doesn't get the differences in opinions.  It's all about worldview.  Are you from a coastal city in the blue and think republicans are stupid?  You probably haven't seen why republicans support lower taxes and fewer federal programs.  From the Bible belt and can't get how democrats don't have your moral compass?  Perhaps you haven't seen the diversity of faiths that differ from yours. 

But ultimately, the main issue is people are too afraid to be proven wrong.  They feel if they don't strongly and blindly support the opinion in which they came in, they look like they caved.  And people who cave don't last in politics.  Which is sad.  I would love to live in a world where our political system worked on compromise and changing opinions as our knowledge about a subject increased.  Instead, we get bickering and slander ads.  And DC reflects that in a lot of ways.

Ultimately, it's still a fine city - it's beautiful, it's pretty clean, and I've made great friends there.  But everyone, even myself, will fall victim to being within the Beltway.  They may think they avoid it, but at some point, they'll hold fast to an opinion just to do it - because they don't want to look wrong, because they don't want to cave, or just because they want to get under your skin.  They'll make a snap judgment and stick to it.  And they will think that their opinion should be a universal one and that they can make decisions for other people because "they know better."  They don't. 

Every city has it's flaws, but DC likes to cover up theirs.  Be warned, it'll flare up eventually and it's contagious.  Protect yourselves7. 

1 - He was having dinner at The Hawk and Dove.  If I was two drinks deeper and didn't have a liberal friend stare me down, I wanted to help give him his order - "You know something?  Not only are we getting the crabcakes, Katie the waitress... we're getting two sodas!  And 2 salads!  And a porterhouse!  And a baked chicken!  And a side of mashed potatoes!  And gravy!  And extra rolls!  And mixed veggies!  And then we're going to dessert, and we're going to take down a creme brulee!  BYAHHH!"

2 - Yep, I might have just turned off half my "built-in audience" by insulting them in Post #2.  I'm really good at this. 

3 - Bet you thought this footnote was going to mitigate the whole "better city" claim.  Nope, I stick by it.  And I think there are a lot of options in that category.  However, I also admit there are some that aren't COUGHJacksonvileCOUGH.

4 - Here's the first spot some DC residents would show their true colors - anyone who went to Georgetown is PISSED I listed them anywhere but first in this list.

5 - Is it really supposed to be "an historic?"  I hear that all the time and it doesn't make sense to me because the H is pronounced.  It's an honest question (see?  Since the H wasn't pronounced there, "an" makes sense).  I call bullshit on the grammar nazi who started overpronouncing ANNNNN historic like a dick. 

6 - Here's where I found myself being guilty most times.  

7 - By this, I mean wear a condom at all times.