Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Why Celebrities Are Like a Rich Relative Who Will Only Give Their Money to One Family Member

Currently making heaven sleeker, sexier, and more technologically advanced.

Steve Jobs passed away earlier tonight, which is a sad day for technophiles and hipsters alike.  The man himself seemed like he was nice enough and death in most forms tends to be a tragic occurrence.  Except when its a video game, in which case it's just annoying.  
Fucking Hammer Bros. always take 3 tries to beat...
But sadly, the information age has made celebrity deaths or, really, anything dealing with celebrities almost unbearable.  People turn into suck-ups for no reason when a celebrity has a major life event: childbirth, weddings, funerals, etc.  Sometimes I understand it: Princess Diana was obviously a shocking event and I get why so many British people were devastated by her death.  The Royal Family is their country's prized bloodline and she was by all accounts very philathropic and sweet.  It's like they're the British Kennedys.  (Kennedies?)

What's the first thing JFK Jr. always did when he got to Martha's Vineyard? He washed up on the beach.

Some celebrities get an iconic status that deserves some attention.  Michael Jackson WOULD have been that person if we didn't spend 15 years making pedophile jokes prior to suddenly worshiping him when he died.  But World Leaders, era-defining icons (Beatles, Elvis, Aristotle), and people who changed the world for the better make sense.  I get mourning the loss of a Pope or the Dhali Lama.  These are people for whom some public outpouring makes sense.

But with Twitter and Facebook, any celebrity death suddenly seems to go through a three step race:
1.  Be the first person to state someone died and say how they touched your life.
Ex.  "RIP Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes... I always rocked out to Crazy Sexy Cool with my BFFs after skool.  Don't Go Chasin' Waterfallz!!!!"

2.  Be the first person to make a joke about the death.
Ex. "If Lisa Lopes is an organ donor, do you think it's possible someone is about to get her left eye in a transplant?  LOLZ!"

3.  Be the first person to snap back about the public outpouring by diminishing their accomplishments.  
Ex.  "Why the hell is everyone talking about Lisa Lopes dying? She was just a random bitch from a pop group that hasn't been relevant for 5 years!  WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT YET NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW 9/11 WAS CLEARLY AN INSIDE JOB?!"

Currently providing the random rap verse to songs in heaven.

But ultimately when someone dies, people try to one up each other for attention.  Integration into memes, different degrees of remembrance, creating FB groups... basically trying to show that a death meant more to you than someone else.  It's as if they want to be acknowledged for their remembrance.  "Congrats, you must have been the biggest Heath Ledger fan.  I cannot hold a candle to your Heath worship and concede all future 'RIPs' to you." 

Why can't we just accept that death is a sad event, regardless of what the person did for a living.  Why should I think Aaliyah's death was more tragic than that of a 87 year old man who put three kids through college and worked 43 years at a steel mill?  I'm sure most of you are thinking "You shouldn't" but we act like celebrity deaths are WAY more important.  Which is ridiculous.  

Based on the importance given to his death, I assume Tupac cured AIDS, put several inner city youth through college, and he solved the world's hunger crisis, all while bringing democracy to several post-Cold War disputed territories. 

I'm glad Steve Jobs' family is keeping things private and I'm glad Jobs' kept his impending death out of the media (because based on the timeline, it's clear he was aware this was coming).  His passing is sad, but no sadder than any other death.  He did a lot of good in his time and I'll remember that.  But there's no contest for best tweet or status update about his death.  Let the people who knew him mourn long term and let's move on because ZZOMG YOU GUYS SARAH PALIN ISN'T RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!  I bet it's because 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB SCARLETT JOHANSEN'S BOOBS BRETT FAVRE PENIS BRANGELINA THE SITUATION SNOOKI NEW AKON SINGLE!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Haha I like how Brangelina sighting is a tag here. Well played

    ReplyDelete