Why Movie Remakes are like Using Lottery Winnings to Play the Lottery

What are you gonna do?  PASS ANOTHER LAW?! 

Ugh...it took me about 20 different links to finally find the video where Julianne Hough chews the scenery in that courthouse delivering that line.  Which is HORRIBLE!  Is that in the original script?  I get she's cast in this because she's super cute (co-sign) and a fantastic dancer, but that script... wow... the only thing that separates this movie from a Step Up movie is nostalgia and, I assume, an appearance of a Kenny Loggins song.  And you know me, I love my 80's and 90's but I don't think they should remake The Fresh Prince of Bel Air because I loved it 20 years ago.  They'd make some weird person like Drake play Will Smith's character, Faizon Love would be Uncle Phil, and they'd probably make Willow Smith Ashley, because heaven forbid they don't buy their kids work.  Will wouldn't appear though, but he gets EP credit because he's bankrolling the thing.  That would SUCK, but you know Hollywood would do it in a hot minute if it meant they'd get the 18-49 males.

Barack Shoe-bama?

Seriously, why do we have to rerelease everything?  I know this isn't some new, exciting argument - it's been said plenty of times before Footloose: cover songs and samples of Led Zeppelin and the Beatles, remakes of Planet of the Apes and King Kong, updated versions of Charlie's Angels and Hawaii Five-0.  Is it really necessary to regurgitate ideas?

Take Inception.  I know, hang with me, I'll admit I really enjoyed the movie.  But look beyond what some consider unnecessary cliffhanger endings or hammy suspense - it was a unique, visually stunning, creative idea for a film.  Isn't that something to support?  Creativity in art?

So confusing out of context.

Which brings us back to Footloose.  Look Footloose.  And for that matter, Love Boat, Baywatch, and most 80's action movies.  You weren't that good to begin with.  Be happy you're remembered fondly.  But for the love of God, will you stop letting Hollywood think it's a good idea to recreate you with CGI action and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as if that'll just make it a good movie?  Some ideas just get lucky the first time around - they hit at the right time, or capitalize on recent success of a hot young actor, or they fit the style of the time despite terrible acting and production (ahem... Romeo+Juliet, you are all three of these...).  So why do we let them make it again?  Because we aren't seeing good movies enough in theaters...

So seriously, if you like a good, unique, fun, original movie... see it in theaters.  Hell, see it 3 times.  It's the only way we can stop people from letting it ride on a 1,000,000,000 to 1 odds success.

You let this happen!!!

Oh, and will you assholes in Europe and Asia stop going to see this shit?  You guys made The Tourist $300 million!  That movie was fucking terrible!